Mnemophobia
by Authoress Inspiration
Summary: Holly Matthews was always a sociable person. She loved having friends. Problem was, everyone knew that she had Olivia at home. She was fine with this. Then, the Hogwarts Marauders and Lily Evans decided that they didn't. Then, everything changed.
1. Chapter 1 I'm Your Angel

Mnemophobia

A novel by BeautyLoonyKeeper Chapter One I'm Your Angel

Mnemophobia. You might not know what that means. I wouldn't be surprised. How many people walk around saying, "Oh, what's wrong with me? I've got Mnemophobia. Oh, you don't know what that is? Well, it's the fear of memories. Yep, that's what I got." Sounds pathetic, right? Well, believe me, I know it does. I'm sure that everyone fears one memory but I fear almost all of mine. My life has been nothing but bad choice after bad choice and I'm _just now_ beginning to pick up the pieces.

* * *

As a seventeen-year-old American witch, I've had more problems than any normal seventeen-year-old witch. I'm talking about an American girl stuck in England with a two-year-old daughter. Yeah, I know that sounds really bad and I take full responsibility for me being a complete idiot and I will be the first to admit that I am probably the luckiest unlucky girl alive.

I'll tell you why that statement makes sense.

I am a girl who got pregnant at fifteen and had a daughter, much to the rage of my British father. I had to deal with the whispers and mutterings at school and worry about caring for a child while having to put up with my father promptly disowning me and leaving me to die in the streets with my five week old baby, Olivia.

It was just plain luck that I found out that my British grandmother lived not three miles from my father's house and that she was willing to take me in. She understood when I said that it was an accident to do what I did at such a young age and that my daughter was the outcome but I swore to my grandmother that I would never, ever tell my daughter that she was a mistake.

My parents had been married five years when I was born. My mother, Penelope Walker, was an American witch while my father was a well-known Auror working in the Ministry of Magic. I don't know why most American-British marriages don't work out but my parent's marriage wasn't an exception. My father didn't want a child at all and decided that if my mother wouldn't give me up to an orphanage, then she wasn't worth taking care of.

My mother went to my father's mother, who was extremely fond of her, and she took my mother in when I was a few days old. However, my mother died of the flu a few weeks later. My father did not attend the funeral. Surprise, surprise.

I am in much wonder, even to this day, why my grandmother did not disown her son when he did such a thing. However, my dad did take me back when I was a year old and raised me as his daughter, like he should have done in the first place. But when I got pregnant at fifteen, he was so enraged that he sent me packing and onto the streets, claiming that no daughter of his would give him a bad reputation for her mistakes.

Truth to tell, it was a mistake to throw me out because word got out that I was pregnant and that my father had thrown me onto the streets because of, my father became scorned at work for not taking care of his daughter and granddaughter. Well, I'm glad he got what he deserved because I was at my father's mom's place only three days when my dad came looking for me, begging me to come back.

I had shouted at him a lot that day and my grandmother Ellie did nothing to stop me and she threw him out of the house after fifteen minutes of his presence and I haven't talked to him since. He does send a nice amount of gold every Christmas but I put it towards my daughter's Hogwarts fund. I didn't want Ellie doing everything for me.

You could say that I'm damn lucky to have such wonderful family except for my good-for-nothing father and you're right. Now, the only thing I have to put up with is making friends with everyone knowing that I have a daughter at home being taken care of by my grandmother. That is my most difficult hurdle: making friends and keeping them.

I blamed this solely on my dad. If he had taken care of my mom and me like he was supposed to in the first place, I might not be such a social reject—or a science experiment, as I like to think of it.

Ellie always tells me to keep a level head and not get grouchy. She said it wasn't a great attitude to walk around through life acting sorry for yourself. I agreed, and so I soon learned to ignore the whispers and comments cast towards me in the corridors. I always dreamed for a friendship with someone my own age, and I tried many times, but I guessed that no one wanted anything to do with me because everyone assumed that I was some American slut. It earned me a lot of wolf whistles from the male student population of Hogwarts, though.

It was difficult, come August, to tell Olivia that it was time for me to leave for school and that I wouldn't be back until Christmas. Olivia had just learned how to talk, to express her feelings, and she cried every single time my upcoming departure was mentioned.

What really tore me apart was that I would miss her third birthday, which was in November. I thought about asking Professor Dumbledore if I could use the Floo Network to spend a few hours at home for her birthday present. I was banking on his kindness and unbiased judgments to bend to my wish.

Much too soon, it was the last day of August, and Olivia began crying as seven o'clock came around and I had to begin packing. I spent twenty minutes in the living room trying to comfort her but she just continued to wail. I wasn't able to pack until she was fast asleep.

I went down into the kitchen where Ellie was sitting at the table reading the evening edition of the _Daily Prophet_. Ellie was extremely beautiful even though her face was lined with wrinkles and her hair was a startling white. She had slightly slanted blue eyes and a thin, sharp face. I had seen her in pictures that hung in the living room, where her hair had been a beautiful shade of brown and the color went well with her eyes.

She looked up at me over the top of the _Prophet_, and raised her delicate eyebrows in question.

"I finally coaxed Olivia into falling asleep," I said, pouring myself some coffee. I would need the caffeine in order to stay awake while packing, which I scolded myself for leaving to the last minute. Really, it was for Olivia's sake that I waited until midnight the day to leave until packing. At least I didn't have to get up until ten the next morning.

"I remember when I had your mother," Ellie said in her thick British accent that I always marveled at, "Every single time I left her sight she would start wailing like a baby banshee."

I smiled and settled down into the chair next to my grandmother, cupping my hands around my mug and looking at the wise, old face that was now scrutinizing an article in the paper. I simply looked at her, praying that I would look that beautiful when I hit my sixties. I didn't come out of my reverie until Ellie gasped in horror.

I started. "What?"

Ellie was staring down at the paper, which she had flattened out onto the table. I stared at her and then got up to stand behind her, so that I could look over her shoulder at the article her withered finger was pointing to:

**Richard and Marilyn Potter Murdered**

Three unknown Death Eaters that had attacked their home killed Richard and Marilyn Potter, both highly respected Aurors in the wizarding community, early this morning. Their son, James, a seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was with them, found unconscious close by.

Healer Drought, who had inspected and treated James Potter, said on the matter of the boy's parent's deaths, "Something like this happening at such a young age will change him forever. It is a sad event that tears apart families and makes the wizarding community fight all the harder against evil such as You-Know-Who."

"Oh my God," I breathed, not bothering to read the rest before collapsing onto the chair I had recently abandoned. I have never actually met James Potter before, but he was the height of cool at Hogwarts, along with his three best mates, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. I had also heard of his parents, Richard and Marilyn, and was saddened by the loss their deaths created.

Ellie had tears in her eyes. She had been a personal friend of the deceased and I grasped the hand that she had on the table tightly. "They were amazing people," she said, her chest heaving. "And great parents to James. I can't believe they're gone. And James, the poor boy! He had been fighting with them. Thank heaven that he wasn't killed too!"

"Yes," I agreed, thanking the Gods that James hadn't been killed. Even if I had never met him, I knew from his reputation that he was top of the school at pretty much whatever he tried. It would have been a terrible loss to have all three of them gone.

Ellie took several deep breaths and steadied herself, wiping away the tears with an air of defiance. "Well," she said firmly, folding up the _Prophet_ and tossing it to the other end of the table where it collided with the salt shaker with a thunk, "We should not cry over their deaths, but celebrate what great lives they led!"

I smiled faintly at the strength my grandmother exerted. I wondered if I would ever be as strong as she. I bet if I said that aloud, she would tell me to work at it and one day, I could achieve it.

"You're as hard as a rock, grandma," I stated as she stood up and walked over to the coffee pot.

She scoffed. "Hardly, dear girl, hardly." She said, shaking her head.

I sighed and shrugged. "Say what you like otherwise, but you can't hide from the truth." I said firmly, standing up as well.

Ellie chuckled as I kissed her cheek, said goodnight, and went upstairs, tiptoeing past Olivia's room and ducked into my own. My trunk stood waiting for me. I took a deep drink from my coffee mug and set it down on my bedside table, readying myself for the wonderful adventure I called packing.

* * *

It was three o'clock by the time I finished packing. Ellie had popped her head in on her way to bed to find my room covered with robes, books, notebooks, quills, inkpots, and other various objects that I had yet to pack. I had decided to do it manually since the noise of packing it magically would probably wake up Olivia.

At three thirty, I was completely finished, having double-checked that I had everything and I fell onto my bed, fully dressed, before falling asleep on top of my covers.

The sun seemed unusually bright a few hours later. It streamed in through my window and poured onto me, warming my entire body. I was quite tempted to go back to sleep but when I checked the clock, I saw that it was nearly ten and I had to eat breakfast.

My eyes felt like strained balloons as I got up and changed into the clothes I had set out a few hours earlier: jeans, a gray tank top, a rich purple cropped and holey tee shirt that had The Andromeda's printed in bright, square, silver letters. I was fairly content with what I wore, seeing as I had a daughter to raise, I didn't wear clothes of the sorts that revealed a lot of cleavage like _most_ girls did these days.

Ellie and Olivia were making breakfast when I arrived. Olivia promptly threw herself at my knees and I had to grab the edge of the counter in order to stay upright. Her dark brown hair, so much like mine, was all that was visible as she sobbed onto my jeans.

"Olivia, mommy can't stand upright with you attached like that," I said kindly, swooping down to pick her up and balance her on my hip. I smiled at her and pressed my lips to her neck, blowing fiercely. The tears that had been threatening to spill over onto her porcelain cheeks disappeared in her giggles.

I laughed too and put her onto the floor again, ruffling her duck soft hair. I gave Ellie a kiss on the cheek and took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee, which I filled my mug with once more.

I settled down at the table with Olivia in my lap and picked up the morning _Prophet_ that must have been delivered when I was asleep. A picture of the Minister of Magic, Millicent Bagnold, was featured this morning. I read the heading and snorted. "Bagnold is talking about retirement again," I said to Ellie over Olivia's head.

"Oh, that old coot has been going on about retirement for Merlin only knows how long," Ellie sniffed, scooping the scrambled eggs and bacon onto a plate and setting it in front of me.

"Thank you," I said, allowing Olivia to grab a piece of bacon off my plate—I made her chew it thoroughly before swallowing—and began to eat. Ellie really spoiled me too much. I would cook, if I trusted myself enough in the kitchen. It really didn't matter what I tried to cook, even if it was scrambled eggs, something always went awry and I would nearly blow up the house.

After breakfast, I went upstairs to get my trunk and bring it downstairs. Ellie and Olivia were standing in the entrance to the living room and when Olivia saw me with my trunk, she began to cry again.

I sighed, put my trunk near the door, and bent down to her eye level. Her brown eyes were clouded with tears and she had her finger in her mouth, a habit she had picked up. I put my hands on her waist and smiled kindly. "Now, listen to me, Olivia." I said. She sobbed a few more times and then seemed to get control of herself. "I'll be back at Christmas and that's not that a very long time!"

I didn't tell her that I would try to make arrangements to come on her birthday and I looked up to wink at Ellie.

"I—don't want—you to—go," Olivia said, her sentence breaking constantly with her sobs, which were in full flow again.

"I know," I said quietly, wiping her tears away with my fingers. "But this is my last year at school. I won't have to go back next September. Isn't that great?"

She didn't smile but nodded all the same. I picked her up and let her sob onto my neck. I patted her back a few times and held back the tears that threatened to spill from _my_ eyes. I was getting that worried, twisted feeling in my stomach and I remembered it from last year when I had to go to Hogwarts and leave Olivia here with Ellie.

I set her back down on her feet. She seemed more collected as I kissed her forehead. "You, young lady," I said firmly. "Be good for your grandma, got me?" She nodded, her finger back in her mouth. I tugged on her arm. "And keep that finger out of that muncher of yours."

I straightened to give Ellie a hug before grabbing my trunk and heading down the hallway and out the backdoor. I stopped on the porch and turned back to Ellie and Olivia. I looked straight into Olivia's tear filled brown eyes and said, "I love you. Be good, now."

She sobbed again and nodded.

I smiled widely, reassuringly, before turning and Disapparating on the spot.

* * *

King's Cross Station was filled to near bursting point when I walked through the entrance and onto Platform 9 ¾. I breathed in the familiar smell of smoke before fixing my eyes on the bright red steam engine, the Hogwarts Express. I walked off to put my trolley away and within a few minutes, I was dragging my trunk along the train in search of an empty compartment.

Ever since the word spread around that I had a child, I was always able to find an empty compartment no matter how crowded the train seemed to be. It used to make me mad: How shallow could people be? But now I just accepted it and didn't allow it to make me angry. I could do better with my time instead of wasting it being mad at people who didn't know anything. If anything, I should pity their ignorance.

At the very end of the train, I found an empty compartment and settled into it, stowing my trunk up onto the rack and pulling out my travel bag that I had accommodated for this trip alone. It was filled with muggle and wizard cross word puzzles, the latest newspaper, stationary, and a journal.

I sat right of the window and began writing in my journal, detailing how worried I felt about Olivia even though I haven't even left the platform yet, and how I felt a great sense of loss. Being with her for a full summer and then leaving for months at a time was testing my sanity rather brutally. Then I had to put up with being completely friendless at school.

_One thing is strange_, I wrote in my journal just as the train started up and on the other side of the window, children were giving last minute goodbyes to their parents, _I've never asked myself_, 'Why me?'

You'd think that I would ask myself that constantly, considering everything I had to put up with. But I didn't. I thought that it was simply a waste of time to sulk over what could have been. Ellie had taught me well. She didn't want me to be depressed but be thankful for what I had been given. And I was thankful for Olivia. Now I thought that the world would be a mighty less welcome if Olivia weren't a part of it.

The train rumbled and made my script shaky. I sighed and put away my journal, instead pulling out the morning _Prophet_ that Ellie had given me before I had left. I gazed for a few seconds at the picture of Millicent Bagnold before flipping open to the articles on the inside. I read about a man who had been found murdered in an alley in northern London.

I was just about to flip to the next page, barely noticing that we had pulled out of the station and were racing through countryside, when the compartment door slid open and someone entered. I lowered my paper and saw the very boy that had been mentioned in the evening _Prophet_ yesterday.

James Potter was, in American terms, the school heartthrob. Tall and skinny, he had jet black, very unruly hair and round glasses. He was known for his impressive test scores and, of course, his performance on the Quidditch field. Last year he had been made Quidditch captain and the choice was, in my opinion, a smart one. His father had been well known for his Quidditch abilities as well, so James had grown up with Quidditch in his blood.

He looked at me and I knew that he recognized me as "that girl that got pregnant when she was fifteen". I raised my eyebrows at him, wondering if he was going to simply stare at me for the entire train ride or if he was actually going to say something.

"Um," he said, clearly uncomfortable, "do you mind if we sit here?"

I realized that he had said "we" and I looked behind him. Standing in the entrance to the compartment were three other people: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, all James Potter's best mates. This should be interesting.

I gestured at the empty seats. "By all means," I said.

"Thanks," he said, taking the seat opposite me. Sirius sat next to him and Peter sat next to Sirius and that left Remus to sit on my side. He didn't seem too fussed about it but he did sit nearer the door, putting his bag at his feet.

After a few seconds of silence, I was about to look back down at the paper when James spoke suddenly, "I don't believe we've met."

I looked up at him in surprise. Was he kidding me? Everyone in the school, down to all the ghosts, has heard my story. He was not an exception. I saw the look and recognition in his eyes when he saw me. I needed to handle this situation with dignity, I thought to myself. I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't think we need to hear the polite sugar-coating, Mr. Potter." I said tonelessly, looking down at my paper as I talked. "You've heard of me, everyone in this school has, and everyone surely knows you and I'm no exception." I paused. "I suppose it's nice to meet you."

I turned the page of the paper without interest, feeling sick to my stomach all of a sudden. I felt sort of guilty, talking to him like that after his parents died, which the whole wizarding world now knew, but I wasn't going to take what I said back. I sort of knew how he felt…in a very small way.

"Okay, so I'm bad at this," James said. "But thank you for letting us sit here."

I glanced up at him and smiled timidly. Examining an article about creature rights, I teased, "What? No one could make room for the famous Marauders—Hogwarts' finest generation of pranksters?"

He smiled too, glad, I guessed, at my harmless banter, and shook his head.

"Well, I suppose I can understand the aversion. Having too many good-looking blokes in one compartment isn't good for any girl's system." I joked, flipping the paper onto the back page. I looked up at them to see surprise and a few smiles. "I'm the exception."

Sirius and James laughed and I pulled out my pen to do a personality quiz on the back of the _Prophet_. My jokes broke the tension in the atmosphere immediately. Sirius and James began talking about Quidditch, apparently a really good game had been played over the summer, and Remus turned to look at me, watching my every movement as I did my quiz.

Finally, I couldn't take the inspection anymore, and looked up at him with a playful smile. "Certainly I am not the only interesting thing in this compartment for a bored bloke to look at." I said.

He smiled. Remus was rather shaggy, his clothing rather worn, but he did have a nice smile. His hair was brown and so were his eyes. I didn't know a lot about him, only that he became more popular when he had joined Sirius and James. I did sense something strange about him, but I never let it get to me.

"You may not be the most interesting," Sirius interrupted before Remus could open his mouth to speak, "But you most certainly are the prettiest."

I almost blushed at his compliment but I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Rubbish," I said, bending down to put the morning _Prophet_ into my travel bag. I tried not to think too much of Sirius's flirting because that's part of what got me in trouble when I was fifteen.

To put him off, I started talking with Remus. A short time into our conversation, I noticed that he had a rather unprejudiced look on life. We talked about everything from books to the school's teachers and which subjects were our favorites. I told him about a time in Charms, when I was a first year, and I had been asked to levitate a bunch of frogs. Well, something distracted me and I lost my concentration. Unfortunately, Millie Prescott had been within a few feet and the frogs spilled all over her.

"She totally freaked out!" I said over Remus's laughter. "And she's hated me ever since."

Remus and I recounted stories to each other and an hour passed quickly. I was completely at ease and pleased that he did not shun me away for what had happened to me and was about to tell him about the time in Transfiguration when I "accidentally" made Millie Prescott's hair turn a bright shade of pink when the compartment door slid open and a very pretty girl entered, looking flustered but furious all the same.

"Potter!" Lily Evans snapped.

Lily Evans was probably the smartest girl in the school. She was as fast as a whip in her spell work (believe me, I've seen it in action) and as sharp as a tack. The fact that she was Muggle-born earned her even more sneers then usual from the Slytherins. But she was the only girl in the school that James Potter longed to date and she was probably the only girl who hated his guts.

I could see why she was James's target. Not only did she look beautiful with her dark red hair and brilliant, almond shaped green eyes, but also her sweet but fiery personality most likely just added to James's liking towards her. And everyone knows that all boys love a lost cause so the fact that she won't go on a date with him or even give him the time of day, just makes him more and more determined to get her to like him.

"Afternoon, Lily," James greeted, grinning up at her but his smile faltered when he took in her expression. "What?"

"Don't tell me," Lily seethed, "that you forgot the meeting you were _supposed_ to be at!"

Confusion passed over James's face and lines appeared at the corner of his eyes as he thought. "Meeting?" he muttered to himself. Then realization bloomed in his eyes and he gasped. "Lily, the meeting! Damn it! I'm sorry!" He slapped his own forehead. "The meeting."

I was the only one watching Lily's expression and I saw surprise flit across it for a second. "You didn't miss that meeting on purpose, then?" she asked, sounding like she was doubting the answer.

James looked surprised now, and a little hurt. "Of course not!" he said. "I just forgot. I'm not used to going to the prefect carriage."

I squinted at James in confusion. What was he talking about? He wasn't a prefect, was he? I could hardly imagine James Potter a prefect, despite his almost flawless test scores. His school "criminal" record, on the other hand, wasn't so clean. He spent most of his time in detention and I had no idea how he kept up with his schoolwork.

"Why would you go to the prefect carriage?" I asked.

James looked over at me. "I'm Head Boy."

I snorted and then began to laugh. I couldn't even imagine him as a prefect so I couldn't even dream about him being Head Boy. The thought was just so foreign that it couldn't possibly be true. I ducked my head and continued to laugh under my breath.

"No, I really am!" James said indignantly, leaping up and diving into his trunk. I watched him, my laughter fading as I realized that he was actually telling the truth. I knew that he wasn't lying before he even handed me the shiny Head Boy badge.

"Wow," I said, turning the badge this way and that, allowing it to catch the sun filtering in through the window. I looked back up at him, more impressed then I thought I ever would be with him. "Congratulations." I handed it back to him. "I guess that would explain why you were supposed to be in the prefect carriage."

"Supposed to be!" Lily cried, flinging up her hands. "Potter, honestly!"

"Well I said I'm sorry!" James retaliated.

Lily looked indignant for a few seconds before folding her arms firmly and sitting down between Remus and me. I stared at her, just as surprised as everyone else in the cabin. I never thought I would hear of the day when Lily Evans willingly sat in the same compartment with the Marauders and me, the irresponsible girl who got pregnant at fifteen.

Lily looked around at us. "What?" she demanded.

I turned back to face James, who had taken his seat again with an expression of utter shock and confusion, and bit down on my lower lip to stop a smile from bursting onto my face.

"Oh," Lily said, sounding like she just realized something extremely obvious, "Well if I'm interrupting something…" She began to rise from her seat.

I was going to tell her to sit back down but James beat me to it. "No, no," he said quickly, putting his hands up to stop her from leaving. "You weren't interrupting anything."

Lily looked skeptical but sat back down all the same. She looked over at me and held out her hand. "Lily Evans," she introduced.

I stared down at her hand and then back up at her. Why did people do this? Why did they feel the need to introduce themselves when we already knew each other? I looked over at James and he translated my look and my apparent lack of manners.

"Holly feels that there's no need for introductions because we've already heard of each other anyway." James said.

Lily retracted her hand slowly and then shrugged. "Okay," she said simply. I admired her acceptance of this. Most people were offended when I cut to the chase and said that there was no need for introductions. At least James and Lily had a good sense of resilience to other people, except each other.

Lily was fun to talk to. We didn't talk amongst ourselves like we had done earlier, but had an open conversation with everyone else in the compartment. Lily's anger towards James had evaporated quite thoroughly and I was enjoying my time with what could be new friends.

It was interesting to observe them, how they interacted with each other, how Lily constantly laughed at James's jokes and how James constantly shoved Sirius's shoulder. I was fascinated by the two boys' obvious friendship.

I had heard a lot about Sirius Black's family, who hasn't? Their family has been popular for their dark side of magic and how they were pureblood all the way to the middle Ages. Sirius was probably one of the first direct Black descendants to be put in Gryffindor house.

I found myself wondering how James and Sirius were related. They were both pureblood after all and all the pureblood families are interrelated. James and Sirius must be distant cousins somehow. I felt like asking but when I opened my mouth to speak in a general lull of the conversation, I spotted Hogwarts and blurted that out instead.

I was expecting Lily and the others to leave me be when we reached Hogsmeade Station, but when I started to off to find a carriage on my own, Lily seized my arm saying, "Where do you think you're going, Holly?"

I looked back at her with an innocently confused expression. "To find a carriage," I said.

Lily laughed and tugged on my hand. "Silly Holly, you'll get lost. You're coming with us." She said. She pulled me after the four Marauders, who were clambering into a carriage and holding the door open for Lily and me.

"I don't get lost easily, Lily Evans," I said with mock seriousness. Honestly, I was flattered that they seemed to actually want me to join them. That was definitely a first. I had always been like a social pariah at school because of the…well, no need to keep mentioning it.

Lily simply laughed again as she forced me to sit down between herself and Sirius, who looked at me with amusement.

"I am truly insulted at your remark," I said, still playing up the fake severity. "I am born with a brilliant sense of direction."

James, Sirius and Lily laughed and I rolled my eyes at Remus, who was sitting across from me. I really didn't get the joke, to be quite honest, but I let them laugh anyway. No point in jeopardizing a friendship that was still in the acquaintance stage.

* * *

Hogwarts cooking always reminded me of how I couldn't cook to save my life and of home. Ellie's double chocolate cream pie was to die for but the Hogwarts puddings were coming up to her. Just thinking of the wonderful dishes Hogwarts had to offer made my stomach ache. Professor Dumbledore kept the speechmaking till after the feast, for which I was thankful.

James requested that I sit when him and his friends during dinner. I was surprised; I usually sat alone, but I kindly accepted. Lily had other friends to sit with so I sat myself down next to Sirius. I chatted with the four of them for a while until someone sat down rather roughly beside me, as though they wanted to make themselves known. I turned to look and tensed for half a second.

Jeremy Wilkes was leaning forward onto the table, resting on his elbows and smiling at me. I'm sure that, to any other girl, it would melt their heart but to me, I saw the implication and I immediately looked back at James, who was sitting across from me. I could tell that he knew something was wrong and it was Jeremy's fault. I stared down at my empty plate and willed for the anger in my chest to go away.

I had no idea how Jeremy had ended up in Gryffindor when he acted so much like a Slytherin. He was one of the many guys in the school that was high up on the female nab list. He was dirty blond and blue eyed and not to mention muscular. He played Quidditch but was booted off the team once James became captain.

"Evening, Holly," he said cheerfully.

My hands were clasped tightly in my lap and Sirius noticed. He shared a meaningful glance with James and then glared at Jeremy while I tried to collect myself. I closed my eyes for a brief second before taking a deep breath and saying in an even voice, "Good evening, Jeremy."

"You look tense," he noted.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I did my best to relax but I couldn't stand how close he was to me. I scooted a little bit closer to Sirius and that seemed to make me relax a bit more. "Do I?" I muttered.

"There's plenty of room down the bench, Wilkes," James suddenly snapped from across the table.

I looked up at him, not realizing that I had been staring at my knees, and frowned. I had no idea what James was doing. It took me a few seconds to realize that he was doing what a friend _should_ do: do their best to make me comfortable. James was glaring at Jeremy and the latter looked extremely put off. He glanced at me, as if for support, and when realizing that he wasn't going to get any, got up and moved down the table.

I immediately relaxed, letting out a breath of relief. I looked up at James again and smiled. "Thanks," I said, unclenching my hands and placing them on the table.

He looked at me, having to look away from Jeremy's back, and returned the smile though not as warmly. "I don't like Jeremy Wilkes," he said tightly.

"Nor do I," I said. "So I guess that makes two of us."

"Why do you hate him?" James asked.

I shrugged, feeling that familiar sense of tightening in my chest whenever this subject was mentioned. I had never told anyone, not even Ellie, what my most feared memory was and I was certainly not going to tell my new friends. "Personal reasons," I said, hoping that this would close the subject.

To my intense relief, the huge oak doors opened and a small group of first years entered, led by Professor McGonagall, the new Transfiguration teacher. I was lucky because James looked like he wanted to pursue the subject a little bit more than I preferred.

I watched the sorting of the first years with interest and allowed my imagination run away with me. I could only imagine what it would be like for Olivia when she got old enough to come to Hogwarts. I wondered if she would be popular. I was positive that she would do well in her classes because she was a smart two-year-old.

I spaced out for most of the sorting and only snapped back into reality when food suddenly appeared on the table and the students began loading up. My stomach rumbled, reminding me of how hungry I was, so I began to eat.

* * *

I walked to the common room with Sirius, Remus and Peter: James having gone off to the headmaster's office with Lily. I found that I was definitely loosening up around them and I even teased them more than I had on the train. They seemed to like it—they obviously didn't push me away—and even wanted me to sit with them in the common room.

I settled myself on an armchair by the fire and continued to talk with the three boys. They were quite funny, even Peter, and I was sure that I had never laughed so much in my life. I was just about to share a story about how I had tried flying once when I was ten and crashed through my uncle's kitchen window, when James and Lily entered the common room.

I looked up, surprised, because Lily was laughing. I raised my eyebrows at Remus and Sirius but they just shrugged. This was something worth seeing: Lily was actually laughing at something that James Potter had said. It was a nice kind of laugh, not the scornful kind.

Lily spotted me and James spotted Sirius and his other friends and both of them came over, quickly claiming seats. I looked at both of them, searching for the reason why Lily was acting so out of character. Had James slipped her something? I highly doubted it: James wasn't into that kind of thing.

"Okay," I said slowly to the pair of them. "What's with you two?"

Lily looked at me with a curious expression on her face but before she could open her mouth, there was a huge bang, making me shriek in alarm and for everyone in the vicinity to jump (Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, Peter, a few fifth years and I were the only ones in the common room). I turned in my armchair to look what the commotion was and saw that there was a very dazed looking owl sitting—or rather, tottering—on the windowsill.

One of the fifth years got up and let it in, grabbing the parcel attached to it and reading whom it was to.

She looked up at me and held out the letter. "It's for you," she said in a small voice.

I got up and crossed the room, taking it from her and smiling. "Thank you," I said kindly, going back to the armchair. I was sure that the girl was curious of me and she wasn't very good at hiding it. I had seen the wariness in her face as I had taken my letter from her.

I looked at the handwriting and quickly tore it open, smiling widely.

_Dearest Holly,_

_I know that this is a little early to write but I have to know how you're doing so far. Olivia is fine but she's been crying since you left. She'll get over it and soon look towards your Christmas visit. I'm tight lipped about her birthday but I promised that she would get the greatest birthday gift ever. Have you spoken to Professor Dumbledore yet?_

_Are you still having trouble with making friends? I sure hope not. I have a feeling that things this year will be different for you. I've always said that I might have Seer blood in me. _

_Your loving grandmother,_

_Ellie_

I laughed without meaning to. Well, I thought, you sure were right, Ellie. I was well on my way to making friends. Of course, the Marauders, Lily and I were…acquaintances. I was still uneasy about where we stood but only tomorrow would tell. I wondered whether or not they would accept me after they've gotten a good night sleep.

"What's so funny?" Sirius asked.

I looked up, grinning but surprised. I had forgotten that the five of them were even in the room. "Oh!" I said, folding the letter back up. "It's from my grandmother. She's just asking about school and telling me about—um, home."

I wish that I hadn't broken off like I did but at least I didn't mention Olivia. I was still waiting to see whether the four boys and head girl could be trusted not to judge.

"It's only the first night," James said.

I laughed. "I know!" I said, tucking the letter into my robes, still laughing. "But there's my grandmother for you."


	2. Chapter 2 Take Your Time

Chapter Two

Take Your Time

Gnosiophobia. This is another phobia of mine. Gnosiophobia is the fear of knowledge and that applies to me in the way that I am afraid of the Marauders and Lily finding out just who is the father to my two-year-old daughter. I haven't told anyone and I was sure that the father in question hasn't told anyone either. I don't think that I would be able to live down the shame of sleeping with someone like him. I've never been able to confide in anyone who I trusted not to judge me. I needed someone to understand that what had happened was an accident.

* * *

I was a little confused in the morning. I woke up to find my pillow wet, my cheeks caked with something and Lily sitting at the foot of my bed, patting my leg. It wasn't quite morning—light was just now coming through the windows—but Lily was in her clothes for the day. The rest of the girls were still sleeping, their forms making little mountains on their beds.

"What's the matter?" Lily asked. There were a few lines on her forehead, her eyes guarded. I sensed that she knew something that I didn't.

I sat up, my head feeling oddly heavy and stared down at my hands. What was the matter with me? Something was wrong, but I couldn't pinpoint what. I just knew that it had to do with me; I could tell that by the way Lily was looking at me, like I'd throw a fit at any second. Merlin, was she scared that I was going to throw her out the window or something?

"What's the matter?" I repeated, rolling the words over in my mind. They seemed familiar to me for some reason.

_What's the matter, baby?_

I shuddered as the memory came to and the feeling of drowning crept upon me. I felt like I was suffocating in that terrible memory, his words wrapping around my mind like a blanket that was too hot. I realized that my breathing was becoming rapid and that Lily had put a hand on my shoulder. I wanted to cry out to her, to help me, to pull me out of that memory that seemed so real to me.

"Holly, snap out of it!"

Lily snapped her fingers in front of my face and it was like a stage light through pitch-black darkness. I started, gasping in great lungfuls of air like I had just come out of deep waters, which was a good analogy because that's exactly what my memory had felt like.

"Holly," Lily said severely, laying her hand back onto my shoulder and making me look at her by ducking her head to my eye level. "Is something wrong? Talk to me."

How could I? I thought, you still think of me as that irresponsible slut, I'm sure. But there was something in her voice that made my experience flip to the tip of my tongue. I bit my lip to keep myself from talking. I couldn't expose myself so early into our friendship. It would send Lily screaming throughout the school.

"It's okay," Lily assured me. "You can talk to me, Holly."

"Can I?" I whispered, staring down at the white sheets and my tan legs against the light color. Could I really talk to Lily about things that happened to me several years ago when I couldn't even talk to my own grandmother? What did that show?

Lily could sense my instability at the moment, and decided not to press me. Instead, she asked, "Why were you crying?"

I looked up at her emerald eyes. "What?" I asked, confused. I had been crying? I reached to touch my face with my fingertips. So that's what had been caked on my cheeks: Tears. There was something off with Lily's question though. "I don't know." I said honestly. "I don't remember going to sleep."

"You fell asleep in the common room and I woke you up to get you up here." Lily explained. "I got you to change and you were out when you hit the mattress." She finished with a smile.

I tried to smile back, but it was empty and the expression didn't reach my eyes.

Lily reached over to her bedside table, which was right next to mine, and picked up a letter. She turned it over in her hands and then, biting her lip nervously, she handed it to me. It was the letter I got the night before. "It was on the floor beside your bed." She said quietly. "I didn't read it."

I took it and stared at it. It was slightly crumpled but I could still read Ellie's script. Scenes from the previous night began to filter through my mind. I remembered Lily helping me up the stairs and getting me to change into my pajamas. I remembered dreaming about Olivia. That's probably why I was crying.

Should I dare tell Lily? I looked up at her, the urge to tell her my sad story stronger than ever. Her face looked totally innocent and the urge threatened to burst from me. What would I lose if I told her? I might lose what could have been a good friend and my sanity, all in the same hand.

What would I lose if I didn't tell her?

"You don't have to tell me," Lily whispered, seeming to read my thoughts as though I had voiced them aloud. "I know you've had it rough."

I'm glad she knew. I nodded and ducked my head, staring down at my grandmother's curly handwriting. "Please don't take offense to it, Lily." I whispered, deciding to tell her exactly why I wouldn't tell my story on the spur of the moment, "It's just that I'm afraid you won't accept me once you've learned the details of my secret."

Lily moved a little farther onto the bed. I didn't look up to see her expression; I was terrified that it would be something that I would not like. I waited. "Holly, we all have awful secrets. Yours might just be a little bit more dramatic than everyone else's. But,"—she put a hand on my shoulder and I forced myself to look up at her—"If you want to tell me, go ahead. You might be surprised."

Without really meaning to, I smiled. I was touched by her kindness and I was overcome with another strong urge to tell her but I kept it in, silently scolding myself that it would get me into trouble one day. Keeping it bottled up would most likely make it burst from me at the most random moment. I would have to watch my tongue for a while.

I pulled myself together and threw back my covers, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and putting my feet on the cold wooden floor. I looked at Lily with a smile. "You said everyone had at least one dirty secret. What's yours?" I asked.

Lily grinned mysteriously and got up. "Well, if I tell you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?"

With that, she grabbed her bag off of her already made bed and quietly left the dormitory. I laughed in whispers and started to get dressed, thinking about that.

If I didn't tell the Marauders plus Lily then it would be my dirty secret but if I did tell them, it would be ours and I wouldn't have to take the full burden of carrying it. This secret was a constant companion, telling me to spill like some taunting ghoul. Sometimes it caused me physical pain to keep my secret to myself…but I endured, telling myself that it would cause more trouble than it was worth.

* * *

The following days went by incredibly fast to my intense surprise. The morning after I had formally met the Marauders and Lily, I was worried that they would finally come to their senses, but I found the four rowdy boys actually waiting for Lily and me so that we could all walk down to breakfast. After that, we soon developed a routine.

I had forgotten what it had been like to have friends. Before I had gotten pregnant with Olivia, I had had a few close friends but once they learned that I had a child on the way, they shied away from me and I have long since forgotten them. Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were a different category of 'friends'. The four boys were more like brothers than anything and Lily was a fun addition to any crowd, even one with James Potter in it.

"Ah and here's the beautiful duo!" James cried as Lily and I appeared at the bottom of the stairs the Friday after we returned to school. His hair was, as always, messy and looking like it hadn't seen a comb in years. His glasses were a little bit crooked but he didn't mind straightening them. They would probably be back to half off anyway in a few hours.

James thrust an arm around my shoulders playfully as we walked across the common room. "See now, Holly, I have a problem." He said.

"You will if you don't let go," I teased.

He 'oohed' mockingly but did not let go of me, instead, pulling me tighter to his side. "You see, Holly, my problem is that--," he started because I interrupted him again.

"Don't you mean that in the plural?" I asked with mock innocence.

Sirius laughed loudly and I heard Lily chuckle. James took the insult with grace and continued on, "I've heard some things about you and your wonderful Quidditch skills. Professor Ortega tells me that you were quite the flyer."

Somehow I had had the feeling that this subject would catch up with me. Yes, James was right: I had played Quidditch quite often when I was thirteen or so but I didn't stay on the team long. I didn't reapply for the team in my fifth year but not because I was pregnant but because I had grown out of the sport. However, don't get me wrong, I love going to the games even if I get nasty stares.

I knew what James was getting at. He was captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and he was obviously asking me to try out. I hadn't put my name on the 'Hopefuls List' so I had no clue why he would be interested in me or why the hell he would check up on my Quidditch records.

"Don't start this, James," I said, shrugging out from his arm just before we left the common room, partly because I didn't want to give anyone the wrong impression.

"Oh, come on, Holly!" James said, climbing out after me. "The chances of getting a good Seeker this year are next to none! The try-out list has decreased since last year so I need more variety. I really need you at the try-outs tomorrow."

"For-get it, Potter." I said firmly, attempting to close the subject. Ha! This was James Potter we were talking about. I should have known better than to try and close a subject against his will. I was not going to try-out whether he needed me there or not.

"Why not?" he pouted.

"Because I'm no good anymore," I insisted, even though his wasn't particularly true. "I haven't played in over three years! I'm not interested flying around on a stick anymore. End of story."

"Hardly!" James persisted. "It would be great! Like you said, you haven't played in three years. You might have forgotten what fun you had!"

I groaned. Nothing I said made him loose enthusiasm and I even attempted to threaten him with physical harm if he didn't leave me alone but like always, he persisted. It made me wonder if he really needs me as a seeker or if he simply enjoyed annoying the shit out of me for twenty-four hours straight.

Finally, after a hard day of work with a pile of homework waiting for me, I retired to the common room with Lily. We situated ourselves on the couch and we had begun to talk about nothing in particular when the portrait hole opened and the last person I wanted to see came in.

Upon spotting me, James came over and plopped himself down between Lily and me. "James!" I cried. "Go away already! If it means leaving me alone, I'll show up at the damn tryouts!"

I only agreed out of desperation but James was completely smug. He looked over at Sirius, who had taken the armchair closest to the fire and said, "See? I knew she'd see it my way."

I rolled my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was now going to have to put up with Quidditch on top of everything else. Of course, considering what my school year was usually like, this was a vast improvement, even if the last thing I wanted was to play Quidditch.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up feeling particularly crabby, mainly because I was nervous. I hadn't been on a broom for a long time and I was scared that I would have forgotten how to fly. I was also a little nervous at the fact that I might disappoint James. He had been told that I was a good player and he expected me to be, therefore, good. But if I turned out to suck, I was terrified of losing him as a friend.

"Are you nervous?" Lily asked as we walked down to the Great Hall. I wondered if my expression showed my anticipation and I quickly rearranged my face to show innocence.

"Not really, why?"

"Just wondering," she shrugged. "I know you're going to be great."

"No, you don't know that," I said easily. "I'm most likely going to suck. But that's okay. I don't want to be on the team anyway."

"Well, whatever you do," Lily said bracingly as we entered the Great Hall and our nostrils were filled with the glorious scents of sausage and pancakes. "Don't tank on purpose."

"I'm not that stupid," I said, taking a seat beside Lily. Despite everything that I had said against playing Quidditch, I wasn't going to do my worst on purpose. I would do my best and simply pray that someone else was better. I think, other than my worries of disappointing James, is the commitment I would have if I got on the team. What if I got on the team and nobody liked me? James would, I knew that already, but he didn't count. It wouldn't do well for me if my whole team was wary of me and wouldn't cover me in the games. Yeah, that wouldn't do well.

We began eating, talking but saying nothing more on the looming tryouts. I think we had an unspoken agreement that if I failed or if I got on, it wouldn't matter. I appreciated her acceptance of dropping the subject. Many would pursue it, trying to convince me that I was already on the team and that I shouldn't worry. I suppose that's why I liked Lily so much: she gave me the space and wouldn't pressure me for information.

"Morning ladies," came James's voice. I looked up to see the Gryffindor Quidditch captain taking a seat opposite Lily and me. His hair was a mess and his glasses were still lopsided but all in all, he gave the distinct appearance of someone who just got out of bed but, knowing him, he had probably been down at the Quidditch pitch since dawn. His slightly flushed cheeks confirmed that.

"Been down at the Quidditch pitch all morning?" I asked, taking a sip of pumpkin juice.

"Ah, you know me too well," he said, grabbing a piece of toast and grinning.

I rolled my eyes. "Doesn't take a genius to put two and two together," I said, letting my discomfort of the idea of trying out color my tone. Even though I was still going to go through with it, it didn't mean that I couldn't give him the evil eye beforehand. Maybe it would sway him and make him realize that he wouldn't want a grouch like me on the team.

"Really, I'm so glad you're coming!" James said seriously. "Constance Horsham was our seeker last year and she was okay. I have high hopes for you, Holly."

I rolled my eyes but on the inside, James's confidence in me was wearing a thin hole of worry in the lining of my stomach. I knew that, because of his unexplainable confidence in me and my rusty but not so forgotten Quidditch skills, the chances of me getting on the team were in my favor; however, what if I did fail? Would James still put me on the team? Surely he wasn't so acquainted with me that he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. Why did he have to do this to me?

"Come on, let's go, then!" James said enthusiastically, getting up from the table and wiping his hands on his pants.

Lily and I followed suit and we were out of the hall before I knew it. The morning air hit me like a blanket and I took deep breaths. I loved the smell of the morning air and today it was particularly misty and humid. It was a little nippy and gave me goose bumps but I shook it off. There were four little puffy clouds floating over the Quidditch pitch. The sun had a faded look to it, therefore, perfect conditions.

"Great weather!" James cried dramatically, throwing his arms wide like he himself created this wonderful condition.

I smirked at his profile. He was cocky sometimes that I was surprised that his head hadn't exploded from his overly enlarged ego. But he was really one of a kind. I peeked sideways at Lily to see if she had any reaction to James at all. They really made a good couple and it was just a crying shame that James had no clue how to attract Lily because what he didn't understand was that Lily wasn't into looks.

Several other students were filtering through the double doors on their way to the Quidditch pitch. Luckily, I had no problem with crowds but then again, that was before I got pregnant. Then, everyone was chattering about me. Over the course of two years, I had been able to get over it but those tingly feelings of stage freight were reawakened because of my nervousness for trying out. Oh, Merlin, what have I gotten myself into?

Tension must have been rolling off me because out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lily peek over at me. She pinched my arm and I snapped out of my stupor. She looked amused and reassuring at the same time. "Relax, Holly!" she said, smiling widely. She gestured over at James, who was in front of us and talking animatedly with Sirius and Remus, waving his arms around wildly to emphasize something. "James is a genius at this. If he thought you were going to tank, he wouldn't have begged you to come to the tryouts, would he?"

"He's delirious, Lily." I said seriously, eyeing the back of James's head. "I mean, he's been chasing you for more than half a decade hasn't he?"

I ran forward quickly to avoid Lily's jab. I cackled with laughter as I saw that Lily wasn't going to drop that comment easily. Even though she was grinning, she was lunging at me. I grabbed Sirius unawares from behind and wheeled him around to use him as a shield.

"Merlin's beard, what are you two doing to me?" he protested as he nearly missed another punch from the redhead. He twisted away from me so I grabbed James, who was laughing, instead.

"You can't use your captain as a shield against a redhead!" he shouted.

Lily slapped him on the shoulder. I was laughing so hard that I had to grab Remus's shoulder to keep myself upright. The expression on Lily's face was truly priceless. I couldn't decide if it was amusement, mock hurtfulness, or amazement. Whatever she was thinking or whatever emotion she was experiencing, the look on her face was hilarious. And luckily, I wasn't the only one howling. Sirius grabbed James's shoulder and said in a stage whisper, "Merlin's beard, Prongs, you of all people should know by now never to insult a redhead."

By the time six of us made it to the pitch, I had sobered up. I wasn't nervous anymore. Lily's display a few minutes previously convinced me that, whether or not I got on the team, she would support me and it went for James and Sirius as well. Maybe, for once in my entire life, I had made true friends. _Well_, I thought to myself as James put me into a group for the hopeful seekers, _Ellie, you sure as hell were right._

* * *

Confidence was radiating from me as I stood amongst the seekers waiting to be tested. Technically speaking, I wasn't actually "amongst" the others because they had, not too subtly, drifted away from me so that I stood a little bit apart from the group. I knew that James had spotted this because when he had, his whole attitude changed. It was obvious that he was containing furious anger and far from being put off, it made my heart swell. It was so wonderful to have someone care for me like that: on a total friendship basis, of course.

The seekers were last and I wasn't sure whether or not my normal self would be glad or even more nervous because the stadium was fuller than before. My present, dazed self was calm, my grip on my broomstick handle relaxed.

James, being a chaser himself, chose two very capable chasers as his companions. Harmony Bishop, a solid looking sixth year, played on the team last year but returned after performing a fantastic trial. James picked someone new as the third chaser: a very smug looking fourth year by the name of Selena Myranae after a rather impressive go-through. The beaters were two brothers, fifth and fourth years: Jonathan and Andrew McCoy. The keeper was Anthony Morales, a very optimistic and funny fellow seventh year.

All that was left was the seekers.

When first joining the group, I had very casually scouted the others, checking out the competition. There were two second years, a tall black, fifth year girl, and a skinny and short boy that could have been any year, and a ginger haired sixth year that I had talked to before, Alexander Cook. All in all, I think that I would fare pretty well. The second years, I thought, had no chance since they could barely keep a hold on their broomsticks when they were on the ground. The fifth year girl looked cool and collected and the boy with the hard-to-guess age had an unreadable expression on his face. Alexander, at least, smiled politely at me.

"All right," James called, turning to our group at last. "Let's have you lot--,"

James was cut off by the very familiar voice of Jeremy Wilkes shouting across the pitch, "Hold up, wait for me!"

Just like yesterday in the Great Hall, I froze for half a second at the sound of his voice. I could picture him running across the grass towards us, perhaps a broomstick in his hand. He would have the expression of importance on his face and he would automatically assume that we would stop everything for him.

I hadn't realized that my eyes had briefly closed until I opened them to look at James's expression. He looked pissed off all right, like he was seriously considering to keep giving instructions as though Jeremy hadn't interrupted him. But Jeremy didn't give him that chance. The scene that I had had in my head was playing out in front of me. Jeremy was now talking to James.

"Sorry I'm late, James, I overslept." He said.

With that, the young man that I hated with all my life's worth came to stand beside me.

I was tense. I was so ready to explode. I wanted him away from me and I wanted to forcibly remove him from my presence. I wished with all my heart that James would make him move away from me, but James, after pausing to glare at Jeremy for a few seconds, continued on.

"Here's the deal for you seekers: you have two minutes in the air to find the snitch. For the first minute, the air is completely between you and your prize but then, for the second and final minute, the Bludgers will be your company as well…"

I was trying to listen to James, but Jeremy's low voice came to my ears, "Good to see you here, Holly. I'm glad you're getting active again. Just because of what happened, you shouldn't close yourself off to the world." He paused while I kept my gaze fixed only on James and what he was trying to say. "You shouldn't be so tense."

His fingers lingered on the back of my hand (we were that close that it went completely unnoticed by anyone else) and I resisted the urge to jerk away from him. The one thing that kept me from doing so was that I did not want to draw attention to myself. But if anyone looked closely enough, they would be able to see how tense I was.

Luckily, James called, "All right, line up!"

I walked forward but Jeremy kept pace with me. I could feel the brush of his hand on mine and I waited until the others lined up before growling (only so he could hear), "For your own sake, Jeremy, you better get your grimy paws off of me right now and keep them to yourself."

I walked forward and I could tell that my remark and not to mention my anger, did the trick. He kept a decent pace behind me as we stood in line waiting for our tryout. Now I was all tensed up and I feared that my performance would suffer likewise. I swore furiously at Jeremy in my mind. He surely deserved it. I never voiced my reasons for hating him out loud nor in my mind. I shielded those memories from myself, just saying that I had a good reason to hate him.

I concentrated on the tryouts of those before me, which was basically everyone else except for Jeremy, who was skulking behind me. I was able to pretend that Jeremy wasn't there by watching for faults in the other hopeful players-to-be. I had been right about the second years. One fell off their broom and the other crashed into the stands, injuring two others. The black fifth year girl managed to catch the snitch the second after James blew his whistle. The stocky boy was knocked off his broom by a Bludger and Alexander Cook caught the snitch after a minute and a half exactly.

Now it was my turn. Two people had managed to catch the snitch and I highly doubted that I would be able to catch the snitch with better time.

James let the snitch out and then signaled for me to go after ten seconds. I kicked off from the ground and a glorious sensation flooded through my entire body. I _had_ completely forgotten how wonderful it felt to be on a broom. I could feel mine vibrating beneath me as I climbed higher and higher. The cool air felt amazing against my skin and my face before I realized that I needed to concentrate.

I had come up with my own technique of catching the snitch during my short period of playing during games several years ago. I sped off towards the very edge of the pitch, high in the air, and waited. After being off one for so long, hovering over fifty feet in the air felt strange but my instincts for flying were coming back with alarming speed and clarity.

My eyes were searching all around for that glint of gold. I had exactly one minute to get it without being at the mercy of the Bludgers. I did spot something gold but it was coming from the stands and I did not go after it in case it was simply a wristwatch.

I changed positions after about fifteen seconds or so. I went from one side of the goals to the other, keeping my eyes peeled for signs of the ever-elusive snitch.

And there I saw it. It was hovering at the other end of the pitch, close to the opposite goals, almost completely even to my own height in the air.

I took off after it. I wish that I had a better broom but for a girl that hadn't been on one in three years, I felt like I was zooming. I kept my eyes on that piece of gold and I could still hear the cheering through the rushing sound in my ears. I couldn't believe that I would be given a chance to catch it so early. Maybe I really could make the team.

Until I was nearly knocked off my broom by a Bludger whizzing by. I concentrated for any sounds from behind me and I was willing to bet that I had another one right on my tail. I checked behind me for the briefest second and saw that my assumption was correct. I waited for several seconds; I was already halfway across the pitch, and my eyes were glued to the shimmering ball, before dropping a dozen or so feet so that the Bludger whizzed over me. I twisted and turned until the air in front of me was free of the brown enchanted balls.

The snitch seemed to be waiting for me.

I wound a few times around the goalposts before extending my hand and grabbing the tiny golden ball in my hand. I yelled with triumph before I could stop myself. I headed straight back towards the group of seekers, James, and the rest of the team that had already been chosen. The entire crowd was roaring with approval and I knew, from the expression on James's face, that I had done the best so far and that Jeremy would have nothing on me.

James, being the captain, only grinned and nodded at me as I handed the snitch back to him. He kept me by his side while Jeremy ran his trial. I didn't even pay attention to Jeremy at all. I was too excited. I was completely buzzing with the feeling of victory, which I had not felt in such a long time, it made my mind go numb.

I knew that I was on the team the second James blew his whistle, signaling to Jeremy that his time was up. I had the best time; my spot on the team was set. When Jeremy touched down, he looked murderous but James didn't even bother telling him that he hadn't made it. He simply looked at me and then jerked his head towards the rest of the team.

As I stood amongst my new teammates (yes, I was among them this time), I was still beaming with pride. James announced that the trials were over and everyone except his new team dispersed. James was grinning so widely that it was a wonder he wasn't causing himself pain.

"Well done!" he said. "You all did absolutely wonderful jobs! We are going to rule this year! Every single one of you has the complete right to be proud. Our first practice will be the Friday of next week. Please get a good night sleep! I will see you then."

Lily, Sirius, Remus and Peter were waiting when James and I came off the pitch, my broom being stored back in with the other school ones. Lily was beaming and looked positively giddy, giving me an enormous hug when she saw me. Remus and Sirius patted my back enthusiastically while Peter merely squeaked his congratulations.

Lily was still clinging to me several long seconds later and I could feel my air supply weakening. "Lily," I gasped, trying to push her gently off of me. "Can't…breathe…properly."

"Oh, sorry!" she said, jumping back. She was still grinning widely, her face flushed, strands of her red hair falling onto her face.

James groaned dramatically as we walked up to the school. He put a hand to his chest and got a faraway look to his eye. I knew full well that he was play-acting but was interested in what he was going to do. "I dream of one day getting a hug like that!" he said.

"Yeah," I said cheekily. "But you wouldn't complain." I nudged him playfully with my elbow.

"Oh, quite right," James said seriously.

Lily rolled her eyes, fell into step beside me, and looped her arm through mine. She didn't say much until we reached the common room where we collapsed into chairs around the fire. James and Sirius were laughing loudly about something. I was about to ask why Lily wasn't talking when she suddenly grabbed my hand, pulled me clear off the couch with one surprisingly powerful jerk and steered me towards the girls stairs.

"We'll be right back," she said to four very surprised boys.

Lily didn't relax her grip on my poor, defenseless hand until we were in our dormitory and the door was shut. She tossed me unceremoniously onto my four-poster and began pacing in the space between our two beds. I had to pull my feet up in order to not get them trampled because Lily wasn't going to notice if she stepped on them. She was mumbling quietly to herself and she looked enormously agitated: twisting her hands together and her eye was twitching.

"Lily," I said cautiously, staring at her with concern. What if she was suddenly losing her mind? Even the best get lost sometimes. I've heard of it happening before where someone totally decent with no history of psychotic behavior will suddenly snap. Surely it wouldn't happen to Lily. Her head was too decent for something like that.

"Why does this have to happen to me now of all times, why ever?" she said suddenly and quite loudly too so that I jumped.

"What's happening to you, Lily?" I asked, totally confused. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.

"I never wanted this to happen!" Lily moaned, tilting her head back briefly. "I didn't expect it to happen so suddenly!"

Completely and utterly baffled and slightly scared that she was talking about her friendship with me, I asked, "You'll have to have a little bit more clarity, Lily. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I have no logical explanation for it!" Lily continued, making it quite clear that she hadn't heard me. "I would never be able to explain myself. I didn't want this to come naturally! I wanted it to be jerked from me! I wanted for something to happen to make me feel this way!"

You could almost hear the exclamation points at the end of her sentences. But regardless, my mind came up blank for why the hell she was acting this way. The only thing I could think of was that maybe she had had her period or something. How the hell was I supposed to know what she was talking about? I knew an excellent potion for cramps if she was having trouble with those.

"Lily, what are you talking about?" I asked.

I had barely finished my sentence when Lily threw herself onto her bed and buried her face in her pillow. She said something but it was so muffled that I couldn't understand it. The air was silent for several seconds before I got up, walked over to her and poked her stomach. It was something I did to my muggle friends whenever they were feeling down. Almost all of them were ticklish so it usually produced excellent results.

I was satisfied with Lily's response. She squealed and squirmed away from me. I continued to poke her until she sat up, giggling uncontrollably. "All right, I feel better now!" she cried, sliding off the other side of her bed so that she was far away from me.

"Well," I said. "That's good but do you mind explaining to me why I had to make you feel better?"

Lily's expression turned immediately and she stared down at her feet. She tucked some stray hair strands back behind her ear. "I don't really want to talk about it," she mumbled.

"You had no problem a few minutes ago." I stated, not allowing the fact that she wouldn't tell me something bother me. We hadn't known each other long enough for confidences. My decision for not telling her about Olivia proved that.

"Yeah, well," she said, looking up at me, becoming her regular self within seconds. "It's my dirty little secret."


	3. Chapter 3 Shake It Off

Chapter Three Shake It Off

Over the next few weeks, my friendship with James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter (well, not so much Peter) strengthened even more, surprising the hell out of me. It seemed like a dream more than anything. I wondered if someone was playing a horrible trick on me. It was pretty nasty if it was. I was so used to their presence and their helpfulness that I found myself actually divulging secrets that I never told anyone else before.

The six of us sat around the fireplace one night and played the muggle game 'Truth or Dare' but, with much discussion and arguments, we decided to just keep it to 'Truth' since Lily and I were not going to put ourselves at the mercy of the four Marauders, namely James and Sirius.

It was interesting, to say the least. We started off with simple questions like who was our childhood hero and whom we hated more than anyone else in the world. Then, around one o'clock in the morning, we started to get into the deeper questions like who was our deepest crush and how far we'd gone with someone (everyone at this point avoided eye contact with me but did not cause a big scene with it.) James was furious, of course, when he found out that Lily had gone a little farther than he preferred with a guy that was obviously not him.

I sat back in my chair by the fire and looked at the conversation, soon turned argument playing out in front of me. The abovementioned James Potter was absolutely livid (and at first, very surprised) when learning the fact that Lily had had a pretty serious relationship with a guy.

"It is absolutely none of your business!" Lily said, clearly exasperated. I was rather impressed that Lily had kept this argument on a level that it could be easily restored and I could see that Lily was actually amused that this was making James so mad. I knew that she would call him 'Potter' when he really ticked her off.

"I just don't understand how this could have gone by unnoticed for so long!" James retaliated.

"You don't exactly go that far with a guy in public," Lily said easily, slightly taunting. "So, I have no idea what is the big deal. It was years ago."

"Too young is the problem," James said.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Please," she said. She looked steadily at him and leaded forward with purpose. "Truth, James: how far have you gone with a girl?"

Sirius let out a bark like laugh and I, too giggled. James sat there, simply staring at Lily with a stupefied expression. He had obviously not expected this to be turned onto him. Lily had challenged him for the truth and now he must speak the truth. Those were the rules.

A quick glance at everyone around the circle we had created within the last three hours showed that everyone was wearing smiles except for James. This must be big.

"We're waiting," Lily said. She looked amazingly triumphant.

"Well…I…there was a girl…a…uh…I…" James stuttered.

"Virgin or no?" Lily asked, looking like a therapist but with a malicious glint in her eye. She was taking pleasure in making James squirm. Maybe it was payback for all those years he had chased her.

"The first one," James said, clearly unable to say the term. Sirius and I laughed loudly at that.

"Which base, then?"

"Base?" James repeated, his eyebrows pulling together.

Lily and I exchanged a significant look. The fact that James had no idea what a 'base' meant really counted for something. It meant that he wasn't a complete pervert, like Lily had thought all these years. It could also mean that James was…oh…

"Describe how far you've gone," Lily prompted, folding her hands in her lap.

James's body language changed immediately. He stiffened a little, sat back in his seat and folded his arms firmly across his chest. He looked like he was bracing himself to take some type of humiliation. "I haven't," he said stiffly.

I think that I was the only one who heard it and I laughed out loud before quickly muffling my giggles. It was an amazing thought that James Potter, terminal bachelor of Hogwarts, had never actually kissed a girl. For some reason, I found it hilarious. I turned in my armchair so that my giggles would be even harder to hear. Sirius had apparently already known that because of his expression of knowingness.

Lily, however, hadn't even heard what James had said. She leaned forward in her chair, towards a still very stiff James. "What was that?" she asked.

James looked annoyed. "I—have—not—even—kissed—a—girl." He said, pronouncing each word carefully.

Lily snorted and began to laugh. My eyes were streaming with tears of mirth and Lily was quick to follow. James looked determinedly away, towards the windows while Lily and I simply laughed on. Several minutes later, we sat in our chairs, gasping for breath, eyes streaming, and holding our sides.

"Can we please call it a night?" James said. He was clearly, still pissed off: he sat in his chair with his arms folded and his face turned away, his entire body stiff. I had straightened myself out but Lily was still giggling and at James's remark, she just laughed harder.

James stood up and looked over at me, deciding now, to ignore Lily—which was definitely a first time for him of all people. "We have a game tomorrow." He said. "We both need to get some sleep."

A brick of nervousness slammed into my gut. I had completely forgotten that yes, I had a game to play tomorrow. It seemed like only yesterday that I was trying out for the team and now, I was faced with a game. I wasn't nervous because of our team's skill level though, hell no. Our team was excellent—and that was an understatement.

I had been able to establish a platform friendship with all of my teammates. Harmony Bishop and I would walk back up to the common room together and chat. The beaters, Jonathan and Andrew McCoy, were hilarious—constantly finishing each other's sentences, constantly trying to outdo each other and apparently, both had taken an interest in Selena Myranae, the fourth year chaser. They would waste countless minutes trying to impress her and all the while, James, Harmony and I laughed about young love.

Going to practices with friends made me appreciate them to the fullest. Every laugh, every joke, every change in expression, I cherished. The only thing I had forgotten to do is to write Ellie about them. That I had to do before I did anything else.

So I sat back down after rising to James's request.

He looked puzzled.

"Sorry, James," I said, reaching over the side of the armchair I was sitting in and pulling from my bag: parchment, a textbook to write on, a quill and an ink bottle. "But I have to write to my grandmother."

"Why now?" James whined.

"Because, James," I said slowly and with a slight edge of annoyance. "I promised to write her about anything exciting that went on and I haven't written her about trying out and making the Quidditch team or about making friends for the first time. Therefore, I must do it now before I forget."

There was silence while I concentrated on writing the date on the top of my piece of parchment. Lily had stopped giggling at last and for some reason, I found this silence alarming. I looked up to see that all of them—Lily, James, Sirius, Remus and even Peter—were staring at me with unreadable expressions on their faces.

"What?" I demanded, wondering vaguely if Jeremy Wilkes was behind me. If he was, I was not going to turn around. But none of them looked angry and if Jeremy was behind me, James would certainly look mad.

"What do you mean," Sirius started, "that this is the first time you've made friends?"

I kept eye contact with Sirius for a few seconds before dropping my sight to my paper. My mouth had gone dry and I licked my lips as I wrote _Dear Ellie_ on the top of the page.

"Well," I said slowly, knowing that there was no way I was going to get away from them without an answer. "I didn't mean that indefinitely. It's just that it feels that way because I haven't had friends for such a long time. Ever since—" Anger blared in my stomach "—I don't need to tell the lot of you why I haven't had friends for so long, you know the story!" My tone lowered to a mumble. "I shouldn't have to explain that."

There was more silence as I concentrated on writing the first bit of my letter, feeling the emotions running through my body but not really registering them.

_Dear Ellie,_

_Well, you were right; I'll say it right off. I am making friends and it's scaring me, actually. It's something that I didn't expect. So much has happened that I haven't written to you about and I apologize for that. You might be a little upset that I didn't write sooner about all these updates._

"People avoiding you just because you got pregnant is rubbish," Lily suddenly snapped. I looked up in surprise at how vicious she sounded. All trace of laughter was gone from her face. She was clutching at the side of the couch and she was staring at me fiercely. "People are so shallow!"

"Oh please," I said, deflating, my voice getting lower—I sounded hopeless even to myself. "You can understand the aversion. To them, it's common sense to stay away from a girl who got pregnant at fifteen, without marrying. To them, I'm irresponsible. It doesn't occur to them that there might be a bigger picture."

"Which is my point!" Lily said, nearly shouting. I was suddenly grateful that we were the only ones in the common room. However, I was not prepared to enter into this conversation. But Lily kept on, "People don't see the bigger picture because they're too bigheaded and can't see past their own noses. Pathetic!"

I sat there, looking at Lily evenly for a few seconds before I turned to the four Marauders, and addressed them. "Tell me something," I said quietly. "What was your immediate thought of me when you met me on the train?"

James looked uncomfortable. He was still standing and, to be less conspicuous, I suppose, he sat down next to Lily, staring at his knees. I glanced over at Sirius, who wasn't looking at me either. Peter never looked at me, so he didn't count, but Remus was the only one actually meeting my gaze. His eyes were trained on mine and I couldn't really tell what he was thinking from his expression but at least he could look at me.

I was positive that I could take their response when I got them to talk, to speak what they really did feel. I had put up with it for years and now was no different. "I really want to know," I said. "I want you to tell me exactly what you thought of me. I can take it."

They said nothing.

"Exactly," I said darkly. "Everyone always assumes in the first instance. It's human nature. Unless you've been through a humbling experience like I have, to learn to appreciate life for what it is and not judge, you're going to fall for the assumptions."

"But we did warm up to you," James said, his eyes still on his knees. He continued to talk to them, "I will be the first to admit that yes, I did believe the rumors and that, if there was another, immediate option rather than sitting with you on the train, I would have taken it but now I am ashamed of that thinking. Does that count?"

Sirius piped in before I could answer James's question. "If you want the truth, I didn't really know what to think about you when we met. I did consider the possibility that the rumors about you being…not the most responsible person in the world were true and that it may not be wise to get to know you but I've met people that were said to be bad for you and I've been proven wrong." He said.

I smiled a little and then glanced over at Remus. I remembered that, on the train, when I had been talking to Remus, I made a note that he had a rather unprejudiced look on life. And his answer backed that up:

"I didn't try to make assumptions. I know from experience that we all have things that we feel necessary to hide. Yours is just bigger than others."

I let out a laugh and then looked over at Lily. "Everyone has dirty little secrets," I said, remembering that night a few weeks ago when Lily had woke me up and I had been crying. I had appreciated the fact that she had not pressed me relentlessly for information on why I had been crying. Something very intriguing that she had said was that she even had a dirty little secret; that everybody does.

Lily smiled widely at me. "You still have yet to figure out mine," she said cockily, leaning against the arm of her side of the couch.

I scoffed through my nose. "I'll bet you that I'll figure yours out before you figure out mine." I said.

"If you're serious about that, then I accept the challenge," she said.

I nodded, smiling slightly.

"Ten galleons?"

"Deal."

"Girls make really strange pacts," Sirius said.

Lily and I laughed. I looked over at Sirius, inwardly grateful that the atmosphere had been lightened. "And boys don't?" I shot back.

"Before you two launch into a debate about this," James said, standing up. "I suggest that be continued tomorrow. We've got a game tomorrow." He said it pointedly to me and I understood that it was essential that I get some sleep. Then again, James was kind of late about suggesting it because it was almost two o'clock in the morning.

"Yes, sir!" I said, saluting James and earning a few giggles from Lily. "_After_ I write this letter to my grandmother."

James sighed, rolled his eyes, and then bade everyone a goodnight, giving me a threatening look before sprinting up the stairs to the boy's dormitory.

I looked down at my letter but before I could put the quill to the parchment, Sirius asked, "What's your grandmother's name, Holly?"

"Ellie," I answered, looking up at him and smiling. "Why do you ask?"

Sirius shrugged. "The way you talk about her is very intriguing. She sounds like an interesting lady." He said.

"Oh, that's because she is!" I laughed. "She's so very intimidating when she's threatened or someone around her is. You should have seen her when my dad came to the house, demanding that I come home. She all but kicked him in the butt as he left."

Chuckling, I was about to go back to my letter but for what seemed the millionth time, I was interrupted.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked. "Your dad coming to demand you come home?"

"Oh," I said offhandedly. Even though she was close to the subject of my pregnancy, I wasn't uncomfortable discussing my dad's idiocy. "Well, it was two years ago, almost three, five weeks after I had given birth. My father threw me into the streets because he didn't want to have to put up with me and my irresponsibility. I went to Ellie's. She's his mother and she had been very fond of my mother so she took me in without any hesitation.

"The fact that my dad had thrown his own daughter out when she had a baby to take care of spread quickly through the Ministry, where he works, and he was getting a bad reputation at work. So he came by Ellie's and at first begged for me to come home but then he demanded it and Ellie threw him out of the house. I remember that day clearly because I yelled at him quite a lot. Ellie merely stood by and let me and then forced my father to leave. She's so remarkable and amazingly supportive. I have no idea what I'd do without her." I said.

"Your father only came round because he was getting a bad reputation at work?" Lily shrieked.

I jumped at her outburst and stared. Lily was absolutely livid, angrier than the time we were discussing people's aversion to me. Her eyes were wide, her face white with anger, and her mouth trying to decide to drop open or slam shut.

"Well, yeah," I said slowly, taken aback to this show. "He's a bastard so it isn't out of character for him."

"Has he done anything to support you?" Lily demanded.

"Wouldn't you think that that would be out of character?" I said carefully, fearing another outburst.

Lily's mouth opened and she sucked in a breath. She was shaking badly but she only expelled air and leaned back in her chair, clenching her fists together. The fire popped loudly and unexpectedly, sending sparks onto the stone before it.

"Take it easy, Lily," I said calmly. "I'm not that angry over it so you shouldn't be."

"Unbelievable," Lily muttered her eyebrows now one severe line. "Absolutely unbelievable. I would have punched him."

"I nearly did," I said. "But for some reason, I held back. I drew the line at physical harm."

Lily's eyes flashed dangerously but she said nothing more. I slowly began writing again, nervous that Lily was going to explode again. She reminded me a lot of Ellie when she was mad. Ellie always looked like she was ready to throw something and Lily's expression at the moment matched that.

_Ellie, believe this or not, but I've made five new and fantastic friends. Every day, they constantly prove that they're by my side. I met them on the train and I had heard of them but never actually met them. One of them is James Potter; we were talking about him only a few weeks ago. He's a really nice guy and his parent's deaths really changed him. He's really matured but he's still really funny!_

_James is the head of a group here, they named themselves the Marauders. One of his best mates is Sirius Black. You've heard of the Black family. Sirius is the only direct descendant, I'm sure, to be sorted into Gryffindor. He's what I would describe as a playboy because every girl in this school, except the Slytherins (though I'm sure a few girls in Slytherin fantasize about him too), most of the girls are after him. The same goes for James but he has his eyes on one person and one person only: Lily Evans._

_She's another one of my newly acquainted friends. She's the smartest in our year, and she reminds me a lot of you. For six years, she hasn't given James Potter the time of day but she's lightening up to him. It can be rather alarming sometimes. Through the previous years, I've watched them and Lily has always been ignorant of James in the literal sense. Now, she'll sit with him and the Marauders at meals and in the common room. She even calls him James. She's really great, Ellie. She's really supportive, never prying if she can tell I'm uncomfortable about something._

_Another one of the Marauders is a bloke by the name of Remus Lupin. I was rather impressed with him when I first talked to him. He doesn't judge people so it's very easy to talk to him. He's really sweet and quiet. He's the one that keeps James and Sirius in line…sort of. You see, James and Sirius are real, true to the core pranksters. They have it in their blood. Keeping them in line effectively is impressive._

_The fourth guy in the group is Peter Pettigrew but I don't know much about him other than the fact that he's really quiet and shy. He can almost never say a complete sentence in front of me and always blushes like crazy when I, or any other girl, smiles at him._

_James is a Quidditch guru, Ellie. The first weekend here and he starts pestering me about the Quidditch tryouts. Yes, he wanted me to play on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. You would not believe how long he begged me. It was annoying as hell and finally, just to get him off my back, I agreed to show up at the trials._

_Ellie, hold on to your knickers because I made the team._

_Practices are intense but fun. I'm making friends with my teammates too. A girl named Harmony Bishop is quite funny and we'll sometimes walk back to the common room after practice sometimes._

_We have a game tomorrow. James just went to bed and I'm sitting here with Lily, Sirius, Remus and Peter by the fire. You have no idea what just happened here. I'm so taken aback at the moment. We played a game of Truth. I know, you're probably thinking that it was a stupid move on my account but they were courteous to how uncomfortable I was about having a child._

_However, Sirius started a little story when he asked what your name was. I told them that, how you were, how amazing you are but how dangerous you can be when you're ticked off. But I accidentally let slip about my dad coming by to get me to come back home a couple of years ago. That started a whole new conversation and I told the four of them about Dad, what he was like. _

_Lily was livid! She reminded me of what you looked like when you're really pissed off. It was surprising, personally. I'm still getting used to having friends that got my back. But it's a nice feeling, Ellie. I hadn't missed it because you've given me such amazing support. Now, without you here with me, it feels nice to have support wherever I go. _

_Well, maybe I should close with this. I do have a game to sleep for tomorrow—well, technically, in a few hours. Give Olivia all my love and please don't be too smug with your response. I will be the first admit that yes, you were right, that I have made friends like you predicted I would. I'm just immensely grateful for them. I'm so sure you would approve of them. _

_I still have yet to ask Professor Dumbledore about permission to leave on Olivia's birthday. I will make sure to do that tomorrow after the match._

_I love you so much, Ellie. Tell Olivia that I love her, too. I miss you and can't wait until Christmas, or Olivia's birthday, whichever._

_Thank you for being there for me always,_

_Holly_

* * *

The morning wasn't bright and therefore, it took Lily's shrieks to get me out of bed. I had had a brilliant dream starring Olivia. It was like it was the future: Olivia was six or seven, laughing her head off in someone's arms. Whoever was holding her had their back to me but I felt comfortable, like I knew who was holding her and making her laugh but when I woke up, I couldn't place them. It took a while for Lily's yelling to shake that uncertainty from my mind.

"GOOD GOD, HOLLY!" Lily shouted, coming over to my bed and whipping the covers off of my body, exposing my skin to the harsh morning air. "YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE MATCH ALL-TOGETHER IF YOU DON'T GET GOING!"

"The match?" I mumbled brilliantly into my pillow as I curled into a ball to conserve body heat. My eyes were strained from lack of sleep and I didn't want to get up quite yet. My brain was too sluggish to start the day already.

"EARTH TO HOLLY!" Lily bellowed in my ear. "YOU'RE SIGNED ONTO THE GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM AND YOU'VE GOT A MATCH IN HALF AN HOUR!"

"Half an hour?" I repeated…my brain was coming alive like a slow, old machine. The gears really needed to be oiled and as they started up, it was painful. My head ached as I sat up and blinked at Lily, who was breathing hard with one of her hands on her hip and the other clutching my blanket from home, something Ellie had made for me when I was little, before I had even met her. I remembered receiving it when I was sixteen and how mad I was that it had been kept from me every birthday and Christmas. My father didn't want me to know Ellie…

"GET MOVING!" Lily shouted in my face.

"Quidditch?" I breathed, staring at her.

My mind suddenly went into full speed, making me leap to my feet. I was so glad that my mind was taking over, that I didn't have to think about what I was doing. My mind made me get dressed into jeans and a tee shirt, put my hair up into a ponytail and put my shoes on while Lily watched me, telling me to hurry up every now and then.

"I can't believe I didn't wake you up sooner!" Lily moaned by the door. "I was talking to the others and I totally forgot! If you pass out because you didn't get enough for breakfast, it's totally my fault. How can you play your first Quidditch match in three years in a state like that? You have to be pumped."

"I'm pumped," I said, running by her and seizing her arm on the way. I pulled her down the stairs. "Believe me, Lils, I've never been more alive in my life but if I do pass out, it won't be your fault. I'm the one who didn't bother setting my alarm clock. James will probably kill me."

I was thinking along the lines that James would be waiting to ambush me and tell me off in the common room but instead, I was met with Sirius and Remus. No pleasantries were exchanged. Sirius shoved a goblet of something into my hands and led the way through the portrait hole saying in a rush over his shoulder, "Drink that, Holly. It's something we make for James every game. It'll calm you down and fill your stomach up. It's a miracle potion. _Drink_!"

I drank the potion, which was a raven-like silvery black. It tasted like blueberries, my favorite flavor. I drank it between running down staircases and around corners. We didn't pass many students until we got down towards the entrance hall where a few people had already finished breakfast and were on their way to the pitch.

They passed in a blur as we now ran flat out towards the huge Quidditch pitch. Even from this distance, I could see the three huge goal posts and I felt my stomach lurch. I was glad that all I had in my stomach was liquids, even though my stomach was full like I had just eaten. I did not want any bodily organs rejected through my mouth before or during the game.

"All right, get in there!" Sirius panted, pointing to the door of the changing rooms.

I pressed the goblet into Sirius's hands and opened the door into the changing rooms. Most of the team was already there, the exception was the beaters and, for some reason, James. I thought that odd but told myself to forget about it. I had more important things to deal with although the whereabouts of the captain was high on the list.

"Morning, Holly!" Harmony said cheerfully from a bench on the opposite side of the room. "Glad you're early."

As I ducked behind the curtain that had my name above it and began to change blindly into my specially made Quidditch robes, I said to Harmony, "The only reason I'm early is because Sirius and Remus have this so-called miracle potion that calms the nerves and also fills your stomach. I woke up, like, five minutes ago. I must say that the filling up of my stomach is doing A-okay but my nerves are being more rebellious."

Harmony laughed. "I hear ya!" she said. She was always cheerful. I wonder how someone could always be so happy. Being happy all the time made no sense to me. How could you handle that? Did it feel worse when you're sad?

I forced my mind to concentrate, having completely missed what Harmony had just said about her performance in the games dropping when she stayed up late or something or other.

I was finally in my Quidditch robes. They felt stiff but that was to be expected. The padding was needed and this was my first time wearing them. It was also uncomfortable because I hadn't worn them in so long while someone like Harmony was used to it.

I stepped out of the changing room, fixing the collar of my robes. Harmony looked me over. "It suits you," she said.

"Thanks," I muttered nervously.

I grabbed my boots off a shelf and went over to sit on the bench next to Harmony to put them on. She chatted lightly about how the weather was perfect, light while not having to put up with direct sunlight in the eyes. I hoped that it wouldn't start raining during the match. That was always a drawback for a seeker.

I just finished lacing up my boots and had stood up when James walked in, two broomsticks in his hands and a tense expression on his face. He was already changed into his Quidditch things. He spotted me. "Ah, Holly, good you're here and ready." He said. "Here you go."

He threw me one of the brooms in his hands. I caught it easily but frowned, confused. I had no idea what in the world he was doing. I was going to use one of the school brooms. My broom was at home, although the one I was holding looked an awful like mine. Mine had the same small knick on the handle and the—

"Hey!" I said, realization and confusion hitting me simultaneously. "This is my broom!"

"Well done, genius." James said, coming out of the captain's office with a clipboard in his hands. "It arrived this morning and I thought that you might want to use it. Better to work with a broom you already know rather than putting up with adjusting to an unfamiliar one."

"But—how—what?" I was mystified. How did Ellie know? I hadn't sent the letter that I wrote yesterday, telling her that I had made the team yet so how did she figure that out? "How did she find out about that? I haven't sent my letter yet."

"Here," James said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small note and handing it to me. "It was with it."

It was from Ellie.

_Dear Holly,_

_I am so proud of you, sweetheart! I just got a letter this morning and I knew you were going to do wonderfully this year! I bet my new china set that you're making some new friends as well! I know at least one. Even though they didn't state their name, whoever sent this must know you. They said they did know you. Well, they sound like a magnificent friend, to be watching out for you like that!_

_Good luck at your game and make sure you make this dusty broom useful!_

_-Ellie_

"She got a letter from someone?" I repeated out loud.

"What?" James said blankly. He was concentrating on the clipboard in his hands rather than what I was saying.

"She got a letter from someone telling her that I might need my broom because I made the team. Who the hell sent that letter?" I demanded. "Did you?"

James looked up at me. "Did I what?" he asked. He clearly had no idea what in the world I was talking about.

I sighed, agitated. "Did you send my grandmother a letter, telling her that I had made the team and that I might need my broom?" I asked.

James's eyebrows came together in confusion. "I don't know your grandmother, Holly. So, no, I did not send that letter." He said. He looked back down at his clipboard. "But I don't see why you're complaining. You've got your own broom: wonderful."

I sighed, went over to the cupboard where my clothes were stored and stuffed the note in it. I would have to figure that out later, when I didn't have the pressure of a game on my shoulders.

When I turned around, the beaters, Andrew and Jonathan raced in, shouting some apologies as they went to the changing rooms to get into their robes. James simply rolled his eyes.

Unnoticed by me, Selena, the other chaser, had arrived, changed, and taken a seat next to Harmony. I shook myself, telling myself that I had to get a grip before I faced the challenges of this game but the nerves were still beating against the insides of my stomach and racing through my bones.

"All right, people!" James called us to order, silencing the McCoy brothers as they bickered about why they had been late. "We've got a rival game on our hands. I say that we've got the better chance of winning but I'm not going to lie, Slytherin has a decent team this year so we're most likely in for a challenge. The key to winning this isn't the point range; it's about keeping our heads. Keeping a good, positive attitude will help us in the long run so let's try our best to ignore anything said by the crowd or by the commentator or the other team. Got it?"

We mumbled some 'got it's' and a few 'yes's' and James sighed dramatically, tilting his head back, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb. He looked back at us. "Can we try that again, a little louder maybe? Show some house spirit?"

"GOT IT!" we shouted.

"Wonderful!" James said, allowing a smile to break across his face. He was becoming more animated and pumped. "Now, we've got our game, we've got a plan, and we've got the skill. I say we can win. How about you?"

"YEAH!"

We were so going to give Slytherin a run for their money, those big shots. Ha! We were all pumped up as we grabbed our brooms and headed out onto the field to enormous applause and screams. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs had taken sides (most were with Gryffindor, though some were supporting Slytherin) so that the stadium was divided by seas of green and silver, gold and burgundy.

The commentator's voice started up, announcing each player's name. The commentator this year had been narrating the matches since her first year. Her name was Ashton Mitchell and she was the best commentator I had ever listened to. She was a sixth year now and she sounded like she belonged on the radio. Her sassy comments and way of describing what was happening with hawk's eyes was simply amazing.

"And here's the ferocious Gryffindor team!" she shouted into the magical megaphone as we headed towards the center of the pitch where the Slytherin team and Professor Ortega, the referee, waited.

"We're all not surprised to see James Potter back as captain this year!" she continued, immediately getting screams of approval from the Gryffindor supporters. "And I've heard from some very reliable sources that he's picked out some incredible talent. We have Harmony Bishop returning from a long term of playing chaser. Selena Myranae, a promising player who comes from a long line of famous Quidditch stars; Jonathan and Andrew McCoy as the beaters. And ladies and gentlemen, it's good to see Holly Matthews return after a three year absence. We've all missed her brilliant skills and it's not a surprise she made the team this year as the seeker!"

I swore to myself that I would have to hunt down Ashton Mitchell and give that girl a big hug. I felt my heart swell three times the normal size at Ashton's words. I remembered in a rush, the games I played before getting pregnant with Olivia. Ashton was always complementing me when I played seeker. I can't believe she didn't say anything about my past; the rumors that spread around. I cannot believe that she kept that introduction positive, like I had dropped out of Quidditch just for the fun of it, rather than because I had to.

The sun made a temporary little peek from behind the blanket of clouds while we walked across the lawn towards the middle of the pitch. I looked up briefly at the sky and, seeing the other sides of the pitch, was reminded at just how weird at felt to be looked down upon like that. Just the stands were a long way up, curving the entire way around the stadium and even though I knew that it would be impossible to spot them from such a distance, I looked through a few of the Gryffindor supporters behind me, looking for Lily, Sirius, and Remus.

My attention was caught by Professor Ortega as she shouted, "Captains, shake hands and let's get this match started."

I watched as James strode forward, confidence radiating from him. He was met by Walter Stallintine, the captain of the Slytherin team. He was big and bulky, a short scruffy beard sprouting on his chin and jaw line. If you looked at just the two of them and were asked which you thought would win, against your better judgment you'd think about Walter Stallintine. James was scrawny and had his strength hidden while Stallintine's was being flaunted with his muscular arms and chest.

Some raw emotion bubbled in my stomach as I watched James and Stallintine shake—or rather try to crush—each other's hands.

"Take your positions!" Professor Ortega shouted.

The fourteen of us formed a circle around the flying teacher and mounted our brooms. Anticipation of getting in the air again rippled through my body. I could hardly keep from bouncing as Professor Ortega slowly put the whistle to her lips.

She finally blew, one long burst of sound that sent the players rocketing into the air. The few strands of hair that had escaped from my braid were thrown off my face in the rush of exhilarating wind as I seemed to soar into the air.

This lovely feeling I had was shattered as, only a few seconds in the air, a Bludger nearly unseated me.

The Gryffindor supporter's response was a half-boo, half-gasp as I whirled around on my broom and saw that one of the beaters on the other team, a fifth year boy by the name of Chase Mason, was grinning maliciously as he sped away from me, chasing one of the Bludgers.

I swore quietly, glad that I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me, and focused on what I was supposed to do. During practices, James had given me several tips about my position: I practiced those now.

I glided easily up into the sky, keeping my eyes downward. The snitch never, ever 'glided' or 'soared' or 'flew': it darted, hovered, and skipped about. I kept that in mind as I went right past the very highest stands. James had told me one thing: play dumb. This was to fool the other team; "luring them into a false sense of security," as James put it. I was to simply sit comfortably on my broom at a high level and wait it out. James wanted this to be a cunning game, to show Slytherin just how capable we were. James told me to look bored, look at my nails, yawn, or make it obvious that I was listening to the commentary, when, the entire time, while I was casually looking around, playing dumb, I would keep my eyes peeled for the snitch.

Just then, the commentary started up and James had said that I was to act like I was paying close attention to the commentary rather than looking for the snitch, so I listened, all the while keeping my eyes roaming around the air around me.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have Gryffindor's first attempt at goal!" Ashton said into the megaphone. "It's James Potter with the Quaffle—Merlin's beard, that boy sure does look fine on a broom, doesn't he, ladies?"

"Miss Mitchell, please pay attention to the match _only_!" Professor McGonagall said frostily, though sounding resigned, like she had told Ashton this numerous times before.

"No problem, professor!" Ashton said, sounding like she had barely heard what Professor McGonagall had said at all. I laughed out loud before I could stop myself. "So, it's James Potter with the Quaffle! He passes to Selena Myranae, who passes it off to Harmony Bishop. It's back to James. Oh! Nice dodge there, James. He's going for the score…HE MAKES IT! WELL DONE! Ten-zero to Gryffindor!"

"Yes!" I cheered, my eyes casually scanning the Slytherin end of the pitch as James gave Harmony a high five in midair.

"It's Slytherin in possession. Captain Walter Stallintine passes it off to Theodore Bards, back to Stallintine. INTERCEPTED BY HARMONY BISHOP! It's Gryffindor in possession. Bishop to Potter, Potter to Myranae, back to Bishop. SHE SCORES! Twenty-zero to Gryffindor. Try again next time, Stallintine!"

The Gryffindor supporters screamed and cheered a deafening sound. Someone was either imitating or projecting a lion's roar and it was blasted throughout the stadium. I whooped.

"Gryffindor back in possession. James passes it off to Harmony. NO! Bishop drops it and it's picked up by Stallintine. He's hit by a nicely delivered Bludger from Andrew McCoy! He drops the Quaffle and James Potter is now streaking up the pitch with it! GO JAMES!"

Ashton suddenly let out a shriek as a Bludger slammed into James's shoulder, spinning him out of control and nearly sending him flying off his broom. James managed to gain control of himself again but he had dropped the Quaffle and Slytherin captain Walter Stallintine picked it up, cackling. James and Harmony raced after him.

I was furious! If that Bludger had been just a few inches higher, it would have smashed James's head. I, being as high as I was and who had seen the entire thing, knew full well that it had been Chase Mason who had aimed at James.

"AW, COME ON! That so deserved a penalty!" Ashton shouted in a fit of rage. "IT NEARLY HIT HIS HEAD!"

I watched as Chase readied himself to chuck a Bludger at Harmony as she shadowed James.

I reacted without thinking. I was supposed to be acting like the lazy idiot but I threw all that to the wind, almost literally, as I put myself into a dive, heading straight towards Chase. I had a few seconds to realize what I was doing before I collided with him with a sickening smacking sound. Somehow, the idiot had managed to hold onto his broom but it spun him out of control and he was not able to take Harmony out.

"YES!" Ashton shouted. "YOU GO GIRL!"

The Gryffindors were shouting and cheering. From this perspective, I could see Lily's fiery red hair clearly. She was staring up at me, clearly beaming, with Sirius and Remus on either side of her. The three of them waved and I grinned before returning to my "stupor".

Slytherin team played like the bastards they were but by the first half hour, Gryffindor was leading: 110-80. The sky had gotten darker and by the forty-five minute mark, a few rumbles of thunder could be heard. I had circled the pitch several times, staying on the outside, having resorted to my old technique of playing seeker. I made sure to keep my eyes on the Slytherin seeker: Oliver Trench, a tall and slight fifth year.

Ashton was still hyper, despite that any normal person would have screamed themselves hoarse by now. She shouted abuse at the Slytherin players (got told off by Professor McGonagall for them, if only half-heartedly sometimes), yelled encouragement to each of the Gryffindor players and was able to describe the match with perfect clarity. Yep, I'd definitely be giving her a hug after the match.

As I hung in the air, appearing to be completely uninterested in the game playing out before me, I watched the chasers for a while. I could tell, even from this distance, that James was getting really agitated. He knew that this game was stretching too far but I had no luck with finding the snitch. I kept my eyes on the Slytherin seeker to make sure that he hadn't spotted it but no such luck.

I was constantly moving from one end of the pitch to the other, staying high in the air and yawning occasionally, still giving off the impression that I couldn't care less about this game. I had just reached the Gryffindor end of the pitch when finally, after a solid hour of the game gone, I spotted the snitch. It was hovering around the middle of the pitch, twenty feet below me.

I checked the Slytherin seeker in half a second and then skirted casually towards it. James had given me another instruction when I finally spotted the snitch: "Don't dive for it right away because it might alert the Slytherin seeker and there might be a chance he'll get to it before you do. Wait until you're at a safe distance, when you know that you'll make it, and then go for it!"

So I did just that. I kept my eyes fixed on it and accelerated at a jogger's pace. When I was thirty feet away, I threw myself forward on my broom and I shot forward. The snitch skipped away from me and upwards into the sky but I followed its progress easily. I could hear the roaring coming from the Gryffindors, shouts of the Slytherin team and Ashton yelling: "SHE'S SPOTTED THE SNITCH! HOLLY MATTHEWS OF GRYFFINDOR'S SPOTTED THE SNITCH AT LAST!"

_Yes_, I thought. _At last._

I was about a hundred feet off the ground and I was reaching out for the snitch when several things happened at once. It wasn't in slow motion but I wasn't experiencing it at normal speed either. The snitch was a foot from my hand when I saw a black blur racing towards me out of the corner of my eye. My registered the fact that it was a Bludger but I was so happy with the exhilaration from flying and that I was about to catch the snitch, that I couldn't process that it meant danger. It was going to hit me but I couldn't move now: not when I was so close.

I closed my fist around the glittering ball at the exact same moment that the Bludger slammed into the side of my body: clipping my shoulder and connecting with the side of my head but at the exact same time, something slammed into my thigh from the _opposite_ direction: the other Bludger.

The fact that one Bludger had hit the upper part of my body from one side while another one hit my lower part from the opposite side, made me twist and I was knocked clean off my broom. I hadn't had a prayer of holding onto it. Not with the force of the hits. I was spiraling through the air, drifting downwards while my mind blanked out. I didn't remember much except for the pain, loud voices and screams, someone's frantic voice yelling my name, a whistle blowing, Ashton's distant shouting, and one thought crossing my mind: _Look at that. I caught the snitch, Olivia._


	4. Chapter 4 Block Out Sunshine

Chapter Four Block Out Sunshine

"Listen, why don't you all stay here with her? I'm going to go take a walk." A familiar rough voice said.

"Come on, Sirius," another familiar, female voice said. "We all know that's a lie. Sit back down and shut up."

There was a heavy sigh and then a ringing silence. It pressed on my ears and made my head ache. I wanted to open my eyes and tell someone to start talking to fill the silence but I couldn't move a muscle. I could hear my own breathing, slow and deep and my heartbeat was present, steady and strong just like my breathing.

What had happened?

Flashes of memory came back to me slowly. I remembered being on my broomstick and then I was flying towards the snitch and then I was flying but without my broom this time. A rushed voice, saying my name over and over again, agonized. Who had it been? They had been so concerned. I remembered a different voice, saying something in broken words that I couldn't understand.

The voice that spoke next was closer to me than the first two. It too was familiar but it was softer and kinder. My mind flickered to Remus. What was said next confirmed that:

"It would be stupid to take down those beaters," he said slowly and reasonably. "You'd only wind up in detention."

"It wasn't my intention to get caught." Sirius growled from a little bit farther away. He must be at the end of the bed.

Bed?

My sense of touch had returned to me without me noticing it. I had been too busy processing slowly what Remus had said, trying to piece together what on earth he was talking about and then factoring in Sirius's response. Now, I could feel soft but stiff sheets surrounding me—the type of sheets that always belonged in a hospital. I could feel a soft pillow holding my head carefully like an angel caressing a child.

I wished I could talk. Despite my sluggish mind, I had a perfectly sarcastic remark on my lips, ready to be used against a defenseless and unsuspecting victim but with me lying on what I assumed to be a Hospital Wing bed nearly unconscious, I could hardly fire it off.

"I have an idea--," Sirius's voice started.

I was finally blessed with use of my vocal chords again. "So do I," I said, surprised at how raspy my voice sounded. "Why doesn't everyone just shut up?"

"Holly!" Lily cried.

I flinched. She might have only said my name in a slightly louder than normal tone, but to me, it was a bellow in my ear. I assumed that she had to be right next to me. "Lily," I moaned. "Please don't shout."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I still hadn't opened my eyes until that point. When they were open, the soft light of dusk assaulted them, making me flinch and squeeze them shut again.

Something smooth was forced into my hand and I could barely hold onto it. I squinted through my eyelids to see that Remus was holding a vile in my grasp. It was filled with a soft lilac potion that I was clearly supposed to drink.

"Now?" I mumbled brilliantly.

"Now." He said.

With Lily's help, I was able to sit up even though I was slumped forward pathetically. I still hadn't regained any ounce of my usual strength. I carefully put the potion to my lips, tilted my head all the way back and let the liquid slide down my throat—I barely had to swallow it. I slumped forward again and thrust the now empty vile into Remus's general direction.

As the potion started to take effect, I moaned quietly and rubbed my temples slowly. My sense of hearing was slowly returning to normal so that I didn't hear everyone breathing with perfect clarity and I was able to open up my eyes and not have them blinded by the almost non-existent light coming through the windows.

I fell back onto my pillows and experienced a small explosion of pain in my shoulder, making me cry out. My hand automatically flew to my left shoulder as the pain very slowly receded. "Holy crap," I seethed through my teeth as I massaged it. I looked down and saw that I had a bruise of alarming size spreading from my upper arm to my neck, all of it in various shades of blue, purple, and black.

As I was staring, somewhat fascinated by the color range that my skin could put on display, Lily said, "It was terrible what those bastards did to you. We were nearly all ready to take the pair of them down right there on the pitch. Well, James and Sirius were, at least. It took the entire team to hold them back." She threw a slight smile, half smirk over her shoulder at James, who was sitting beside her, and Sirius, who was at the end of the bed, beside James.

I didn't know quite what to make of that statement. The fact that all of my friends had been ready to rip the Slytherin beaters apart because they'd shot two Bludgers at me, made my chest tighten considerably. I was definitely not used to that sort of behavior on my behalf. Well, quite frankly, it reminded me a lot of what Ellie would do. She would have a field day if she ever found out that my first Quidditch match resulted in me being in the hospital for—wait, how long had I been there?

"How long has it been?" I asked, staring at Lily.

"About eight hours," she said. "Madame Pomfrey didn't let us come in until about fifteen minutes ago. She and Professor Slughorn took forever to sort you out. From what we overheard, one Bludger separated your shoulder and tore several muscles. And then the other one cracked your femur, which is really saying something, Holly. He must have really hit it hard because the femur is the hardest bone in the body!"

"And knowing that didn't exactly help calm us down," James supplied.

"Anyways," Lily continued after glancing at James. "They were working on your for hours and even had to call Dumbledore because they couldn't repair the muscles connecting your shoulder blade to your shoulder. It was scary, Holly. I hadn't realized how much damaged those Bludgers had done. And your head! My God, those idiots!"

Lily had shrieked so loudly that all of us jumped at James put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

Remus picked up where she left off. "The force of the impact put a tiny crack in the back of your skull but luckily, Madame Pomfrey could handle that by herself. And Professor Slughorn made a dozen or so potions that you have to drink. You've only got thirteen more to go."

I groaned in horror, my mind picturing the number of foul potions my stomach would have to put up with. "I thought you said there were only a dozen?" I said weakly to Remus.

"That was figuratively speaking," he said, helpfully.

I sighed. Like Ellie always told me, there was no point in moaning and groaning over things that will help you get better. Every single time I got sick as a child, she would tell me that. It gave it a somewhat nicer way to look at it, that these potions were to supposedly help me...

Lily again was able to help me sit up and, curious, I checked my right thigh. The bruise was worse than my shoulder, with a black spot in the middle of it all, and looking like someone's throw up had saturated my skin, turning it the various shades of green, yellow, purple, blue and black.

"Like I said, it was awful," Lily said when I had put the covers back over my leg and used my one arm to move myself higher on my pillows.

I couldn't bear to be on the subject of my well-being any longer, so I thought about something else to ask, though everything that came to mind would eventually lead back to my injury so I soon gave up, asking one of the lighter questions.

"Has anyone told my grandmother about my injury?" I asked, my mind flying back to the note that I had received with my broomstick. I would ask that next, I decided.

"Actually," Remus said, looking quite amused. "She's already been and gone."

"What?" I said, aghast. "Who told her about it?"

"Dumbledore," Sirius answered.

I set my head back briefly. "I bet she was freaking out," I mumbled.

"That," James said, chuckling. "Is an understatement."

"Typical," I said.

I didn't have any trouble picturing just how hysterical my grandmother was when she came flying into the castle and demanding to see me. I could picture her, striding up the corridor in her favorite lilac blue robes, bursting into the Hospital Wing and demanding to know exactly what had happened. Perhaps, when she had calmed down, she would have patted my forehead in a motherly sort of way, maybe shedding a tear or two and then leave much more slowly than when she had arrived.

Pulling myself out of this oh-so-lovely vision of hysteria, I asked the group, "Did you meet her?"

Sirius, for the first time since I woke up, grinned, along with everybody else. I took that immediately as a yes but also felt a great sense of anticipation. Ellie knew how uncomfortable I could get when it came to everybody knowing that I had a daughter at home, the said grandmother taking care of her while I completed my education, so it made me wonder how my newly acquainted friends would have reacted to that.

"She is a fascinating person," Sirius said.

"And funny," James put in.

"She's very kind, Holly." Lily said. "You're lucky to have her."

"Yes, I am," I said. Boy, was that an understatement. For all that Ellie had done for me I should be worshiping the ground she walked on. The previous year, when I had come back to school after giving birth to Olivia, I felt immensely guilty for leaving her with Ellie to take care of while I was off having fun—well, not exactly having the time of my life but without the responsibility of taking care of my own daughter.

"She's the one that told us what exactly was taking them so long to heal you," Remus explained. "Though you can't repeat that because she said that we weren't to tell that she spilled."

I grinned. "How long has she been gone?" I asked, wishing that I had woken up sooner so as to talk to her and offer some comfort.

"About half an hour," Lily said. "She asked us if we could send an owl when you were awake. She said that someone called Olivia was worried. I think she said she was a good family friend or something." Lily's eyebrows pulled together, trying to remember. "She didn't say it very clearly."

I chuckled. "Olivia is my daughter, actually." I said, unabashed. "Olivia gets worried very easily. I don't know where she gets it from when Ellie is as strong as a rock. Well, Olivia's still not used to me being gone for so long."

I had expected an uncomfortable silence but Sirius immediately asked, "How old is she?"

"She'll be three this November." I said, smiling at my toes, concealed by the bed sheets. That reminded me. "I still have to ask Professor Dumbledore if I can leave that day so that I can make her birthday. I was going to ask after the match. Well, guess I'll have to wait until I get out of here. When can I leave?"

"Madame Pomfrey said that you'll be able to leave on Monday." James said. "And seeing as we have a practice that day, I won't make you participate. My approval however was quite unnecessary because Madame Pomfrey said that you can't play for at least a week." James frowned.

I laughed at both James's remarks and tone and the look of disbelief on Lily's face. I shoved James's knee with my foot. "You shouldn't sound so concerned for my well-being, James. It's annoying." I teased.

James grinned sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders while Lily rolled her eyes and the rest of us laughed.

* * *

You would think that I'd be miserable being stuck in the Hospital Wing all by myself, having to stare at the walls, watch the sunlight creep slowly across the room and try not to go mad from the silence—if it were silent. It wasn't silent for one reason: I did not spend a single moment of Sunday alone. I had a whole stream of visitors: Sirius, Lily, James, Remus, Peter, Harmony, Selena, Andrew and Jonathan and several other Gryffindors who came in with the sole desire to shake my hand and introduce themselves.

"I think we'll have to start beating them off with a stick," Sirius joked after Bobby Shaft, a very kind Gryffindor fifth year, had left, to be replaced with Lily.

I had to admit, the crowd of people who wanted to talk to me, congratulate me on my awesome play and abuse the Slytherin beaters was pretty awesome but there was something that topped everything.

It was right before lunch, when James, Sirius, Remus, and Lily were all standing up, ready to go to the Great Hall to eat and bring me back some proper food, as Madame Pomfrey only let me have soup and biscuits, when the Hospital Wing doors were thrown open dramatically and Ellie walked in, wearing lilac robes and a purple ribbon in her snowy white hair.

"Ellie!" I cried, surprised and joyous at seeing my favorite person in the world—perhaps second favorite. Personally, Olivia and Ellie tied for first.

Ellie swooped down, somehow managed to put her arms underneath my shoulders (pain reducing potions made this gesture almost completely painless on my part) and hugged me. Pulling back, she kissed my forehead and then surveyed me.

"You're pale," she said. "You haven't had any decent food in you for a while, have you? No sugar."

"Quite right," I said, adding a tone of annoyance in because sugar really is what kept me going, sadly enough. Not like I was going to complain about it. And I really did want some steak and potatoes instead of boring chicken soup and bread.

"We were just heading to the Great Hall to sneak her back some things that she could really sink her teeth into," Sirius said with an unexplained smirk.

"Good man!" Ellie said enthusiastically.

She sat down on the chair to my immediate right and the rest of them sat down too, Lily taking the seat next to Ellie while the three boys sat on my left.

"So," I said cheerfully, able to finally pull myself up to talk. "You've met these three idiots?" I jerked my head at the three Marauders, who smirked.

"Yes, and you two," she included Lily in this statement, "Sure know how to pick your men."

Grins appeared on Sirius's and James's faces while Remus looked a little pink in the face. Lily turned scarlet unknowingly while I threw my head back and laughed. I knew that Lily probably despised that sentence but I found all of their expressions—to Lily's poorly disguised mortification to Ellie's innocently confused look—utterly hilarious.

"Handsome devils, aren't they?" I joked, nudging Sirius, who was closest, with my foot.

"Oh yes, they're really something. You two need to be careful, you know." Ellie said seriously. "Good men are hard to come by and these three will top them all so, try to keep them close."

I was about ready to bust a gut over everybody else's expressions. Lily was just about ready to bury her head in her hands. Remus was blushing as well but James was grinning like crazy. I knew that he didn't mind Ellie's statement in the slightest; he wouldn't mind if Lily kept him close.

After I had recovered myself…somewhat, I was able to ask Ellie a few questions.

"So, how's Olivia?" I asked, taking deep breaths to calm myself.

"Oh my, Holly, that girl is going to be a handful when she gets older!" Ellie said dramatically.

"Like she isn't already?" I teased. I knew full well what Olivia was like when she was running with a full tank of pure, disruptive energy. It gave me a slight pang though. It was a reminder of how much I was missing while I was here at school. If not for Ellie, I would have dropped out as soon as I knew I was pregnant. Ellie had said that no granddaughter of hers would stay under her roof with an attitude like that, and I knew that that was most definitely an idle threat, but I did not want to disappoint her. So I stayed in school.

"She comes from a long line of strong women," Ellie said, looking extremely proud.

"That's a scary thought," James said. "Let's hope all that strength hasn't culminated into Holly. Otherwise, those beaters are as good as gone. Not like I'm complaining."

I chuckled darkly. How lovely that would be. But for some reason, I didn't feel all that angry about it. I saw injuries as being part of the game and personal grudges came with the territory. I wouldn't have been surprised if Jeremy Wilkes paid those two beaters off, because he couldn't get on the team himself. I certainly don't doubt that he would stoop that low. The bastard was a sore loser.

"I wish I could have been there to watch you play," Ellie said in a faraway voice. "I would have loved to see you fly again. You should fly more often now you've got some instruction again from a decent captain."

"Decent?" Lily snorted quietly.

James, who had looked smug at Ellie's compliment, settled a half-hearted glare on Lily, who was giggling in her seat. I grinned, watching them closely. I made a vow to myself to get those two together, with Sirius and Remus's help, of course. Merlin knows I wouldn't be able to pull off something like that without the help of two of the four Marauders.

Ellie glanced at James and Lily as well before raising her eyebrows at me. I grinned wickedly, my mind searching for ways to execute a plan. Sirius and Remus would be a big asset. They were much more creative and I was sure that they wanted those two together as much as I did. I might request Ellie's help as well.

"C'mon now, you two," I said. "Stop flirting."

I had prepared myself inwardly before I had even sucked in breath to say it. To me, it was more or less a test. If Lily and I were on that line between friends and best friends, then she wouldn't take it personally. James wouldn't mind in the slightest so there was no need to worry about him. Lily might murder me for planting images in his mind though. Like he needed any help.

Predictably, Lily gasped, horrified. Grabbing the pillow at the end of the bed next to me, she chucked it at me. "Holly!" she cried, her cheeks flaming up. "Shut up!"

I was laughing hysterically again. I was certain that I hadn't laughed more in my entire life. I threw the pillow at an unsuspecting James, hitting him squarely in the face and nearly sending his glasses off his nose. I grabbed the pillow behind me to block his deadly missile and it quickly became a full out war. Even though my head was hurting that it was fit to burst, I laughed while I fought off attack after attack from Sirius. Ellie tried to get us to stop, if only half-heartedly. If she really wanted to stop us, she would stop us in a heartbeat. But she knew as well as I did that exercise was the best way for me to recover.

The Hospital Wing pillows were perfect for a pillow fight. They were large and poufy and with enough force, enough to knock someone backwards off their chair, which I did to Sirius. He stared up at me with a bewildered expression and I laughed down at him but a second later, I was assaulted with a pillow, aimed at me by Remus.

I chucked one back at him.

Lily and James seemed to have taken this as a personal battle. While they were both laughing their heads off on the bed to my right, they were both determined to knock each other off and onto the floor. I knew that Lily loved it because to her, it was most certainly payback for all those years James had annoyed her to death by chasing her, determined to get her to like him.

But then Madame Pomfrey turned up.

"Merlin's beard, stop it, stop it!" she shrieked, coming up the ward with her wand held in front of her. With a flick, all of the pillows stopped in midair. "What a disgraceful thing to do. Disrupting this sanctuary. I should give all of you detention for disturbing Miss Matthews, who is recovering from a severe Quidditch injury!"

Madame Pomfrey looked equally appalled and murderous but I spoke up. "Actually, Madame Pomfrey, if you're going to give anyone detention, it should be me. I'm the one who started it by provoking Lily."

"Oh really!" Madame Pomfrey cried, flitting over and forcing me to lie down. (I had gotten on my knees in order to better defend myself from Sirius's powerful blows.) I went down easily enough, Madame Pomfrey putting a fresh pillow underneath my head and pressing another potion from the wide array of bottles on the bedside table into my hand. "Drink up for your headache!"

"It's not that bad," I complained. I hated taking the potions and, unlike most kids that come through here in their school career, I did not complain every single time I had to take one.

But the look on Madame Pomfrey's face made it clear that I was not to even argue about it. I drank to spare my life and my clean school record.

The potion tasted like bubblegum, a vast improvement from the four previous potions I had been forced to choke down. Clearly, this was my punishment for disrupting the peace, even though I was the only patient in the Hospital Wing.

"You lot, shoo!" she cried, turning to James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius. "Leave her alone with her family. And make sure that you don't disrupt her like that again!"

"Don't I have a say in whether they leave or not?" I asked innocently.

"No, you do not." Madame Pomfrey said tersely before shepherding the three Marauders and Lily out of the Hospital Wing. All of them waved before the two largest doors were slammed shut on them.

I sighed and chuckled. My headache was gone, thanks to the potion and I settled back on my fluffy pillow comfortably, interlacing my fingers and resting them on my stomach while Ellie settled herself back down after straightening all the knocked over and misplaced chairs.

"Those are a good lot of friends you've made, dearest," she said when she had sat down.

I nodded. "Yes," I agreed. "Quite good."

"They're surprisingly mature for their age," Ellie continued. "I was surprised, actually. Those boys look like they've got some prankster blood in them."

I chuckled at the understatement. "Right again, grandma. James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew make up the four Hogwarts Marauders, the best generation of Hogwarts pranksters yet." I said.

"And what about Lily?" Ellie asked.

"Cleverest in our year and the school for that matter, James and Sirius right behind her." I said. I explained a little bit about the Hogwarts social system.

"What's the relationship between Lily and Mr. Potter?" she asked.

I grinned. "James has liked Lily since third year, technically speaking, but she had despised him long before that. Ever since she turned him down for a Hogsmeade trip our third year, he's been begging her for a date." I explained. "The moron won't take no for an answer but he's matured a lot over the summer and I think Lily might be warming up to him. However, he makes one wrong move and she's back to hating his guts, unlike all the other girls in this castle."

"Tell me about the other two," Ellie requested. "Sirius and Remus."

"Sirius is mostly a playboy," I said. "Most of the attention he gets is from the ladies but at least he doesn't have an outrageous girlfriend track record. I would say that he's the least mature out of the whole lot of them but only for his jokes."

"And Remus?"

"Remus surprised me, actually." I said. "I was talking to him on the train and I noticed that he had a very unprejudiced look on life. It was refreshing. He's probably the only one that can make James and Sirius feel ashamed of themselves…sometimes. He's prefect this year."

Ellie was quiet for a few seconds, studying my face closely and then a wild grin broke on her face and she looked ecstatic. "I knew that you were going to make friends this year, Holly, I simply knew it. These old bones of mine know a lot of things and you making friends your last year of Hogwarts was one of them."

I scoffed playfully and rolled my eyes. "Of course, grandma." I said. I smiled. "But I'm glad you're right. And I know that I'm lucky to have them. It's been really weird though, them having my back all the time. Like yesterday, when I came to, Lily told me how the whole lot of them were ready to jump on those beaters and how it took the whole team to restrain James and Sirius. I'm not sure how I should feel about that."

"You should enjoy it, dearest," Ellie said. "You deserve having friends like James and Sirius and Lily and Remus. And you should have your eyes peeled for a good date-worthy young man as well."

"Grandma!" I cried, horrified. Did she really think I was going to go on a dating spree with an almost three-year-old daughter at home? My God! "That is one thing that you're going to be wrong about." I lowered my voice and leaned towards her a bit. "I'm not looking for a date, grandma. Not with a daughter at home who needs me. I don't have time for romance."

Ellie didn't look the least bit miffed. In fact, she looked all the more determined. I could sense where this was going. She was going to deal that Manly Support card. She was convinced that I needed someone to help support me when she was more than enough for me. Was she trying to get rid of me or something? I highly doubted it because she would have said something to me…most likely. Was she really unhappy with me living with her?

"You need a young man in your life, Holly." Ellie said.

"Why don't we take this a little slower?" I suggested, resisting the urge to roll my eyes and sigh. "Can't I just settle with having real friends for the first time in my life and then once I'm good and used to the idea, then I can move on to romance?"

Ellie examined my face, closed her eyes and sighed. "Fine, but you never know, Olivia might like a father."

"What?" I shrieked. I pushed myself up with my good arm, my left arm being handicapped with minor bruises. Still hurt like hell when I moved it upwards. But I didn't care about that. What the hell was Ellie talking about? A father? As in, I married someone? "Ellie," I said, using her real name for once in a long time. "What the hell are you talking about? What brought this on? Has Olivia said anything about her not having a father?"

I felt like my chest was empty and not filled with my heart and other organs. I had thought that Olivia wouldn't even notice; her being different for never having a proper father. I didn't realize that it might come up; that I wouldn't have to explain for a long, long time.

Ellie was straight-forward about it like she always is. "Our neighbors came over a few days ago. You remember John and Kelly McIntyre and their daughter Samantha?"

I nodded. The McIntyre's had always been kind. They were one of the few wizard tolerant Muggles who dropped by our house occasionally. I wondered what on earth they were doing at Ellie's house when it wasn't even a holiday.

"Well, apparently Samantha had a little talk with Olivia and when they had left, Olivia asked where her father was." Ellie said. "I told her that I didn't know and that, when she was old enough, you would tell her."

My chest gave a twinge at that. What was I supposed to tell her? I hadn't even told Ellie! She seemed to be thinking along the same lines because she said, "Holly, I think that you should tell me who he is."

I didn't need to ask to know who "he" was. The father of my daughter. Well, I didn't consider him her father because he had refused to support me in any shape or form. He had completely ignored me, making it clear that I was on my own. I did not feel that Olivia needed to know this. I did not want it to make her feel unimportant because she wasn't. Far from it. If I ever got married, that man would have to prove to me that he loved my baby girl.

"I can't tell you, grandma." I said, closing my eyes and tilting my head back.

"I have a right to know, Holly." Ellie said sharply, surprising me.

But I shook my head. Yes, she had more right than anybody to know who the father was but I couldn't bring myself to it. No. I just couldn't. If I told Ellie and it disturbed her enough, she could decide to throw me out just like my dad did. You might say that you couldn't imagine her doing that, and I couldn't either but what terrified me was that it was a possibility, if slim.

"Holly, please."

"What will be gained by admitting it?" I whispered. "You'd throw me out in a heartbeat."

"Holly!" Ellie gasped. "You know I would never do such a thing! How could you even think that?"

My eyes had unexpectedly watered and a tear escaped my hold. I turned my face away, ashamed. I felt Ellie grab my hand in her two wrinkly ones but I did not turn to face her. I simply kept my eyes shut and waited.

"You are my granddaughter, Holly," she said, her voice hushed. "And I love you. I feel like I need to know this piece of information in order to protect you. I want you to tell me, in time. I won't bring it up again because I know how uncomfortable it makes you. But please do not think so badly of me that you think you can't come to me. I won't let anyone put you through something like that again."

More tears slid by. I wanted so badly to hug her but I couldn't bring myself to look at her still beautiful, aged face. She kissed my hand, gave it a squeeze and I heard her stand up.

"Make sure to write and fill me in on everything," she said. She sighed. "I love you, dearest."

I heard her move down the Hospital Wing and I knew my chance was slipping away. I felt a great surge in my chest and I turned around just as Ellie touched the handle to the double doors. "Grandma!" I cried.

She turned and looked at me and my tear-stained visage.

"I love you, too."

She smiled that grandmother smile and then left with a swish of her lavender robes.

I spent the next half hour crying and trying to get myself together before the others came back, sneaking me food. I felt so sorry for myself. I could barely stand the thought of Olivia being back home, wondering who helped produce her. Sweet Merlin, I could barely stand the thought. It made me shudder and gasp and cry even harder—silently, of course—every single time I pictured it.

I was lucky: I had been in control of myself for fifteen minutes by the time Sirius showed up. I had wiped my nose and my face clean and taken my noon-day potion already when the double doors flew open and banged shut as Sirius strode up the ward, looking for all the world like he owned the place.

I managed to smirk a greeting. "Where are the others?" I asked.

He pretended to look offended. "Why, Holly! Are you implying that I am too much for you? That I'm a pain?" he said, halfway through the action of pulling up a chair. He spun it around at the last second and straddled it, putting his arms on the back of it and resting his chin on them.

I rolled my eyes playfully. "I can't imagine what gave you that idea," I teased. "Because I shouldn't have to say anything of the sorts."

"You should be nicer to your delivery boy," Sirius said, pulling a brown paper bag out of his pocket and handing it to me. "You're lucky I don't charge to the sickly folk."

I scoffed. "I am not sick." I said firmly.

"You're in the _Hospital_ Wing," he stated.

I sighed, deciding not to keep up the argument, instead opening the bag to find that they had gotten me two delicious sandwiches, a sliced apple and a Fizz Pop, something James must have thrown in. It was a treat found in Hogsmeade. The sliced apple had to be Lily's addition. Only she would put in something that healthy.

"Turkey and cheese!" I moaned gratefully as I pulled it out. The bread was really thick and soft and there were two slices of yellow cheese in between thinly sliced turkey. Sweet heaven. "My favorite."

"Good." Sirius said, looking highly relieved. It made me laugh. "It took us forever trying to sort out what to get you. Lily insisted on at least one healthy thing while James wanted to load you up with sweets. Remus took care of the sandwiches for you while the other two bickered."

I chuckled, my mouth full of sandwich. I swallowed and, realization hitting me, said, "We need to get those two together. You agree?"

"Indefinitely, Miss Matthews," Sirius said. "Do you have any ideas?"

"A few," I said honestly. "But if Remus agrees, I say I should leave that up to you. You two are the big pranksters. Surely you can turn some of that into good, productive use for once?" I teased.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at me playfully. "Are you implying that we are disrupters of the peace?" he demanded.

I widened my eyes in fake alarm. "Of course I wasn't!" I said before laughing. It was so much fun chatting with Sirius. It had worried me, being friendless for so long, making me wonder if I had lost my gift for sarcasm and harmless banter. It was all resurfacing now while Sirius talked while I ate. It was mostly plans revolving around how to spark the elusive relationship between Lily and James.

"I say we wait it out," I suggested after I had finished my meal and was sucking on the Fizz Pop, constantly having to take it out of my mouth and not because it kept tickling my tongue and inner cheeks but because if Madame Pomfrey saw me with it, she'd think I'd committed murder for the fit she'd throw.

"Wait it out?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," I said. I readjusted myself on my bed, sitting up straighter. "As everyone's already noticed, she's already warming up to him. If we just make sure that nothing happens to jeopardize that, then I think a relationship will spark on its own. What do you think?"

Sirius considered this and then grinned at me. "I agree to that but it wouldn't hurt to nudge them in the right direction," he said.

I grinned back. "No, it wouldn't hurt at all but it can't turn out to be too much of a good thing, you know. If it's obvious that we're trying to get them together, Lily will be sure to back out of it so we must tread softly." I said.

Sirius chuckled at my choice of words and I scowled at him.

* * *

I was let out of the Hospital Wing the next day but didn't go to my lessons; just taking it easy in the common room. It was dead boring and when the boys plus Lily would stop by during their breaks, I would laugh with relief at having a distraction. I'd never realized just how lonely you can get when the common room is devoid of anyone to talk to hours on end.

With the others there, it really livened things up. I did notice that Sirius and I were constantly making eye contact and that my stomach would flop unexpectedly whenever that happened. I was trying not to be too fussed about it. If these were the beginnings of romantic feelings, I was going to squash them before they could develop.

I was nearly skipping with happiness as I went down to dinner with the others. They'd just finished their lessons and I had to discuss tactics with James…unwillingly, I might add. He started it, I swear. One minute he was talking to Sirius and Remus about something, the next, he swarmed over, interrupting Lily and my conversation and started badgering me about Quidditch.

"What do you think we should do about those Slytherin beaters?" he asked, walking backwards so that we could talk face-to-face—literally.

I sighed. My arm was linked with Lily's and my other shoulder was still bandaged and itching. I did not need James's obsession with Quidditch to bother me now. "James, I said let them be!" I said, exasperatedly. James was obviously about to open his mouth to object so I continued in a louder voice, "Injuries are a part of the game and I am more than willing to accept that. Get off my back about it!"

"Yeah, Potter," a snide voice suddenly sounded from directly behind us. I looked over my shoulder to see the aforementioned beater, Chase Mason. "Leave the girl alone. She's already got protection from her dyke friend. She should've been around when she got knocked up."

My stomach was on fire but that must've been nothing compared to Sirius and James's anger. I knew full well that I wouldn't do any damage to Chase Mason with my shoulder banged up so I put all my efforts into restraining Sirius. I used my own anger against his, seizing his arm in an iron grasp and shifting all my weight onto my back feet and hauling backwards.

Lily, on the other hand, was trying desperately to restrain James as he was ready to pounce on Chase, who was laughing openly.

Helpfully, Fate dropped by in the shapes of Harmony Bishop and Anthony Morales, who were both able to push James and Sirius back.

"Get a move on, Mason," Harmony snapped to Chase.

Cackling, Chase and his other buddies moved up the corridor and out of sight.

We waited several seconds before Anthony and I released Sirius's arms and Lily took her hands off of James's shoulders, looking down, her hair effectively shielding her face. My attention was diverted by that. Was she embarrassed about touching James like that? Was that proof?

Sirius gruffly walking past me in the direction of the common room made me concentrate on what had just happened. Again, I felt that strange pressure in my chest. This time, I'd actually witnessed their defense in the flesh. It was alarming, actually. The intensity of their anger had me, for a second, breathless.

Lily came over to stand by my side after thanking Harmony and Anthony. "They probably aren't going to go to dinner at all tonight," she said in a quiet voice. "Do you still want to eat?"

I shook my head. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stomach anything after that.

It was tense in the common room. Nobody said anything for what seemed like a very long time. We all simply stared into the fire and Lily and I occasionally glanced at each other. I stole a glance at my watch and saw that it was seven thirty. I was starving. Proven by my grumbling stomach. We could still catch a late dinner.

I looked up at the others. James's face was blank but thoughtful. Sirius looked pissed off. Remus was silently doing his homework, naturally. Peter had his hands in his lap and was looking at the floor. Lily was curled up on an armchair and was…was I seeing this correctly? I blinked…several times. Lily was staring at James Potter of all people! She had to have been doing it unconsciously otherwise she wouldn't be caught dead looking at James for any stretch of time.

I allowed myself a smile before an almost unnoticeable shift of weight brought my gaze back to Sirius. He was still angry.

I stood up. "Come on, you lot." I said, grabbing my bag off of the floor and slinging it over my shoulders so that it freed my hands.

"What?" James said blankly.

"I don't know about you but I happen to be famished." I jerked my head at the portrait hole. "Let's get some dinner before I collapse from starvation."

"I'm not hungry." Sirius said gruffly.

I know that I was all deeply impressed and touched by their defense but considering that it had happened two hours ago and Sirius was still pissed as hell…that was out of line. And it made me angry in return.

I seized Sirius's arm and hauled him off the couch, surprising him to silence. "You're always hungry. Stop denying it. You, you, and you!" I grabbed James's arm too and towed him along as well. They came easily enough, not even saying anything against my forcibly removing them from their stupors. Remus, Peter and Lily followed.

While tension still radiated off of Sirius despite his previous stunned silence from my actions, I acted completely normal, thank you very much. I got Lily and Remus talking easily and James occasionally made a comment. The odd one out was Sirius…

By the end of the meal—in which time I'd successfully lured James out of his unfeeling state and got Lily back to normal—Sirius's moodiness finally pissed me off. As we left the Great Hall and I saw him stuff his hands into his pockets and hunch his shoulders, I unlooped my arm from Lily's and stopped the procession to give him a hearty smack on the back of the head.

"What the hell was that for?" he demanded.

"For ruining the evening," I snapped. I did not give him any time to respond nor did I stick around to see his reaction. I continued on my way with the others, not caring whether or not Sirius followed. We'd be free of his black moods if he decided to take a walk. Maybe the fresh October air would clear his head and make him realize that the situation was not bothering me in the slightest when I was the victim.

Lily and I settled into a nice conversation over a game of wizard chess in the girls dormitory while the other girls took showers and got ready for bed. Lily was enveloped in my stories of Olivia and Ellie and what it was like to be pregnant.

I found this particular part amusing. "Well," I said with a chuckle as I prodded my knight forward to meet Lily's bishop. "When she would twitch, it tickled most times. Ellie would find me laughing hysterically in the kitchen for no apparent reason. It's right under the ribs. It drove me crazy!"

Lily laughed. "Are you sad about being here with Olivia at home?" she asked, capturing a pawn of mine and setting it off the board.

"Sometimes." I said. "Most times. That was why I was crying the first night. I had had a dream about Olivia. She was crying continuously the month leading up to September first. She's old enough to understand that I won't be seeing her for a while." I managed to keep the real hurt out of my voice but I was sure Lily picked up on it a bit, for the changed the subject.

"I remember, growing up, we had a neighbor who got pregnant and she was always giggling hysterically. Apparently, her little boy was a feisty one."

The next morning, I was the first to get up. According to my alarm clock, it was a half hour before it was time for me to get up and I couldn't keep myself still so I got up and dressed for the day, glad that I'd be going to my lessons. After brushing my teeth and grabbing an elastic band and my bag, I trudged downstairs into the common room.

Not many students got up at seven in the morning so the common room was completely empty. I walked over towards the dead fire and gasped wildly as I saw a figure on the couch. Sirius was slouched, half lying on the couch, raising his eyebrows at me as I quieted myself.

"My god, Sirius! You scared me half to death!" I said stiffly, slightly annoyed as I dropped my bag on the floor by the armchair and sank onto it. "What are you doing, lurking in the common room this early?"

"Lurking?" he repeated, sounding amused. "I was simply sitting here, completely innocent. You're the touchy one. I didn't even move and you half-shrieked."

"I didn't shriek at all," I muttered mutinously. "But you did not answer my question."

He cocked an eyebrow. "I couldn't sleep," he said.

"Really? And why is that?"

"Search me."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in my arm chair, considering him. "Have you finally cleared your head?" I asked.

He swung his legs onto the floor and sat up. "If you are referring to my hotheadedness of last night compared to my current state, then yes, I have cleared my head, Miss Matthews."

"Good." I said flatly. Even though I'd just sat down, I stood back up again and grabbed my bag. "Then, good day to you."

And I walked out of the common room.


End file.
